It’s that time of year again, Christmas trees, Christmas cards, tinsel and decorations, relatives popping in for a drink and Die Hard on the telly. But it’s not all bad news, and to bring some cheer we offer this year’s TNC Christmas hamper. We have stopped at nothing to seek out the best quality gifts which you can purchase as individual items. But why not buy the whole hamper? You’ll be sure to give everyone in your house on Christmas Day a memorable festive season.
Self-igniting Korans
Just the thing to bring a bit of hilarity to the Christmas dinner table. Impregnated with petroleum spirit, these versions of the Koran have a built-in switch that causes a spark when they are opened. Whoosh! Up goes the Koran in smoke. Get one for everyone who comes and have a simultaneous Koran burning (out in the garden, please). Get the neighbours involved. Who could possibly find it offensive? Why not go for a Guinness Book of Records entry?
Fake Afghan Passport
Looks just like the real thing. In fact, we hear that many people have managed to enter Afghanistan using them. And who doesn’t want to visit Afghanistan? We are told it is a fascinating place. A two-week holiday itinerary can include: a public stoning of adulterous women (you must pay extra to throw your own stones); a tour of (empty) girls’ schools; a beard pulling contest (the Taliban love this one); a burka dressing-up contest (see who can cross a busy road looking out of only one eyehole without getting hit by a car. And (on Fridays only) find the head of the suicide bomber.
Covid Inquiry Reports
Issued as government surplus, the government overprinted these. As a result, they can be obtained at a knockdown price. Hours of fun ensue. Buy several, form teams and see who can find the most hilarious passages in the report. Hidden gems include:
“The Cabinet Office confirms that, at times, messaging was inconsistent. This was due to the well-known scientific principle of ‘making it up as we go along’. Future crises will include a Communications Randomiser™ — a bingo machine deciding whether today’s message is ‘Stay Home’, ‘Go Out’, or ‘Try Not to Panic’.”
“While expert committees were convened regularly, minutes show that advice was adopted only when it coincided with decisions already made in advance. To streamline future processes, experts will be consulted only after implementation, saving considerable time.”
“To improve preparedness for future pandemics, the government will invest in a new multidisciplinary expert panel composed of scientists, economists, behavioural psychologists, logistics experts, and at least one person capable of saying ‘No, minister, that’s ridiculous.’”
Vaccination
This new game is taking toy superstores by storm and flying off the shelves. Here at TNC we have managed to obtain a supply of the game which combines chance and skill. An imaginary pandemic is declared (think Covid-19), cards are dealt and from your hand you must create an imaginary new vaccine. The cards will be a random combination of cards from various piles including funds, timescales, potential side-effects and numbers ranging from zero to ten billion. Further cards can be obtained during the game from the ‘opportunity’ box, and these will impose parameters, some of which are advantageous and some less so. Opportunities include: ‘No clinical trials required’; ‘Media personality backs mass vaccination’; and ‘Media star dies of vaccine side-effect’. The winner will be the person who manufactures the least effective vaccine with the deadliest side effects which avoids clinical trials in the least favourable climate and is administered to the most people in the world. Sounds far-fetched but, hey, Christmas is a time for suspending reality.
Phobias and Fears
Another popular card game involving hundreds of cards, each with a minority, religious or special interest group printed on it. Cards are picked at random and players must invent a phobia about the group mentioned on the card. Players can ‘pass’ if they are unable to invent a phobia or fear. Fictitious examples of phobias and fears are given to help players such as Islamophobia and climate change. Each player’s novel phobia or fear is scored out of ten by other players for hilarity and the winner is the one who scores most after five rounds. In the case of a draw, the number of passes is taken into consideration.
Ryanair Gold Card
Just the ticket (see what I did there?) for the frequent flier. It is hard to imagine another layer of luxury being added to flying with premium airline Ryanair. Who doesn’t love the hard yellow plastic seats and the scratch cards? Well, the Gold Card entitles you to access the toilet, a free scratch card and an increased luggage allowance. With the coveted Gold Card you can take some belongings in both pockets and carry your jacket on. Just sit back and relax…numbers are limited, so get your bid in early.
TNC Special Blend
Christmas can be stressful, so here at TNC we have created a special blend of premium alcoholic drinks which will dissolve stress and drive out those Christmas blues. One part whisky, one part gin, one part brandy and two parts grappa. Simply pour that into a pint glass and top up with Stella Artois. Drink it as quickly as possible…wake up on Boxing Day…repeat.
For a full catalogue and list of prices go to www.tnc hamper.com Terms and conditions apply.
Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.
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That was one very imaginative hamper – and throughout I kept thinking (showing my age) of the comic Dick Emery and his catch-phrase, now applied to Roger Watson as an early Christmas present: “Ooh! You ARE awful!”
Actually, the Korans are a great idea. I look forward to some entrepreneur putting them into production and selling ’em online at a tenner a pop.