You may already be aware of the content of the King’s Speech on Christmas Day. I am not as I make it a point not to be preached to by entitled, ignorant and condescending scroungers (and I’m a monarchist). But apparently, the speech that was delivered was not what King Charles (peace be upon him) intended. Thanks to TNC’s mole inside Buckingham Palace, the original draft by King Charles has been retrieved and leaked exclusively to us. With only a little editing to join up some disparate ideas, had his aides not stopped him, the King’s speech might have read as follows:
As-salamu alaykum!
Hello suckers. This has been another year of pilgrimage, reflection, and carefully curated virtue for the Queen and me. By ‘Queen’, I mean my wife; the original model is no longer in service.
Like many in public life, I have spent the year discovering that the surest route to moral authority is enthusiasm for causes that will never affect one personally. On this front, I am pleased to report excellent progress.
Journeying, as I have often said, is at the heart of the season. And what greater journey can there be than the one taken by a public figure who discovers, late in life, that every tradition is equally valid, except the one that built the country he reigns over? In this spirit, I have spent much of the year learning how best to renounce inherited conviction while retaining inherited privilege.
We travelled widely, met widely, agreed enthusiastically, and were applauded everywhere. We spoke earnestly about compassion, borders, climate, faith, identity, and hope; always at a safe distance from the practical consequences of any of them.
We visited Rome to see Pope Leo, but he seemed rather stuck in his ways. For example, while we prayed together, we failed to convince him of the eternal truths of the one true religion. I am referring, of course, to Islam. I continue to find there is something deeply moving about convictions that require sacrifice, provided it is made by someone else.
However, we had much in common. Take climate change; Pope Leo seems to be as concerned as I am. That ‘blessing the block of ice’ stunt, masterful. As I am head of the Church of England I wonder if I am allowed to bless things. I’ll be having a word with my new Archbishop of Canterbury, Doolally or whatever her name is.
As Head of the Church of England, I remain deeply committed to all faiths equally, which is why I have decided to take mine much less seriously. I have found great comfort in faiths that offer clarity, discipline, and certainty; particularly when practiced by other people.
And migrants too. Pope Leo and I have much the same approach; they should all be allowed into our respective countries without let or hindrance to live amongst our working-class communities, thereby transforming them into havens of multiculturalism, just so long as they don’t breach the walls of the Vatican or Buckingham Palace. No siree, we can’t allow that.
At home, I have been particularly heartened by the growth of diversity, which has enriched many neighbourhoods I shall never visit, while leaving palaces, cathedrals, and gated estates reassuringly unchanged. This delicate balance must be preserved.
The Queen (I just can’t get used to saying that) and I took part in the Victory in Europe celebrations in Normandy. I was glad to see that so many of the old fellows who prevented us from being invaded are dying off. But there were still a few around to remind us of that terrible time when our borders were closed and our beaches were impregnable. What was so bad about the Germans anyway? Some of these people were my relatives, damn it!
But this is a time of year for families. And what a time it has been in mine. I know many of you will be wondering what the fate of that useless brother of mine will be. You know, the one who makes no useful contribution to the country, who lives in a big house for very little rent and whose wife tried to exploit her position as a royal duchess. But enough about Edward.
Turning to my brother Andrew about whom many also seem concerned. All I can say about Andrew is ‘legend’. I mean not one, or even two but forty prostitutes at one sitting in a hotel in Bangkok. I simply cannot compete with that. His father would have been so proud. My goodness, but his winkie must have looked like a freshly picked radish after that session.
Rumour has it that I stripped him of his titles, but nothing could be further from the truth. He relinquished his titles voluntarily. Said he wanted to lead a quiet life of contemplation and obscurity…just like his younger brother Edward. There are strong indications that he is converting to Islam. With his attitude towards women, he is an ideal candidate.
Of course, it would be remiss of me not to mention my newfound faith and to extend my greetings to the whole Islamic community in our country and abroad. So, with that in mind I wish to use the occasion of my annual speech to the nation to announce that I will be establishing a new trust under my patronage to promote and foster the Islamic faith within our borders. This new trust will be called The King’s Jihad, and it will penetrate the religious, cultural and legal framework within which we live.
As an outward sign of my new found faith, next year will see me adopting more Islamic ways. I intend to grow a long and unkempt beard, to adopt Islamic dress and to have all statues and paintings removed from the royal palaces. The Queen will begin wearing a niqab, not because she is especially strong in the faith (she’s only a woman, after all) but by popular request. In 2026 we will make our first Haj, visiting the Holy Cities of Mecca and Medina.
I plan to make Buckingham Palace a place of Islamic practice and scholarship. My old nursery will be transformed into a madrassa; we will establish an FGM clinic where women’s genitals can be mutilated without risk of infection or post clitorectomy trauma. The grounds of the palace will be available for the stoning of adulteresses and public executions.
But we must not forget the underlying message of Christmas, which we Muslims greatly respect. And that message is love. As the Prophet Jesus said, “Love your neighbours’ daughters.” And with that in mind, from the Queen and me, I wish you a peaceful Christmas, a compliant New Year, and a future rich in gestures, statements, and carefully managed compassion.
Allahu Akbar. And happy holidays.
Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.
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I’m a believer in constitutional monarchy too but Green King Bonker’s 111 is not my king and his son William is little better. What have we done to deserve this?
In day’s gone by for their unsuitability to be monarch would have either resulted in them losing their heads or they would have been replaced.
“Little better”!! Far, far, far worse and hopefully to the extent that your reference to the days of yore solutions will come to pass (with exile and a Republic with a symbolic ‘Keeper of the Crown’ established instead NB no prominent members of the House of Windsor eligible for this role as it requires dignity and Anne would inevitably decline).
It’s so easy to espouse causes that don’t affect one’s own comforts. Sadly, for these hypocrites and useful idiots, they will eventually violently discover what their lessers already have. All the ‘latest thing’ fans will get the opportunity (eventually) to point out the glaring inconsistencies in what those they currently applaud actually themselves do, whilst preaching to others who are directly affected – the rest of us despicables already know this.
Very worried that this speech maybe what King Charles truly wanted to give. I most sincerely hope not and that it is just a cruel fabrication by those who wish to end the Monarchy. I swore an oath as a child in Cubs and Scouts to uphold and remain Loyal to God Queen & Country and that the Monarchy was to be a unifying force for the common wealth of countries.
I cannot help but worry that Elizabeth II, will be the last Monarch to uphold the constitutional ideology of Christian freedom. Yet all around me I see the destruction of Australia, Canada, Great Britain.
I see it being replaced with the vilification of family and the terms father and mother. I see that morality has been replaced with Values which have nothing to do with virtue what so ever. The Lord’s Prayer taken out f the schools and replaced wit Islamic prayer. Borders that keep the barbarians out are kept open and these very barbarians used to liquidate the people and confiscate private property.
Canada & Great Britain fought in two world wars to protect freedom of speech and a political process that would not be authoritative. Our politicians , teachers and doctors have sold us out, leaving but a handful of brave teachers and doctors to stand up against Globalist policies.
I love constitutional Monarchy, but I am afraid it is being replaced. One can only hope that our current sovereign has not sold us out to the Globalist ideology. For if he has sold out I am afraid that he will suffer his own overthrow. I do not wish this upon him or his family, but if he fails in supporting God as head of the Protestant Christian Church, if he fails to be defender of the faith, then I fear God will know longer recognize him as legitimate King of the common wealth.
The great contribution the late Queen Elizabeth II made to this country was staying alive so long to keep the twit Charlie from the throne because she knew he would be no use as king and the twat has proved her right.
I do try to catch the monarch’s Christmas address but missed it this year. However, I do share the concerns expressed here that he is apparently more committed to Islam than Christianity, and, as others have pointed out, by the time he (and others) realise their mistake, it will be far too late.
A friend (in England!) sent me the following extract from the Facebook page of St Patrick’s church in Edinburgh – vandalism on Christmas Eve, but the police treating it as a mental health incident, not a hate crime. I mean, could you – could anyone – make this stuff up? I can’t get the piece to paste here, so I’ve copied out.
EXTRACT FROM FACEBOOK PAGE OF ST PATRICK’S CHURCH, EDINBURGH..
We ask prayers for reparation tonight on the Vigil of the Lord’s Nativity, for the attack upon the Child Jesus, taken from the throne above the altar; also for the desecration of relics in the Lady chapel, violence at the crib in the side aisle, and blood spilt in the sanctuary, side chapel and nave.
At the Easter Vigil we also had threats made against us; tonight another told us “You’re finished here”.
We will bless the church again after cleaning up the desecration. Encouraging all souls to turn to our patron, that St Patrick’s prayers will protect this oasis of prayer in the Old Town. Ends.
The care taken in the above extract not to give any clues as to identity of the vandal(s) leaves, in my opinion, only one conclusion.
I’ve just (better late than never!) checked to see if there was any media coverage of this incident and yes, there is a report in the Daily Record with photographs of the damaged statue of the Child Jesus. It is, as the Daily Record reports “sickening”.
Wake up, King Charles – please!