The Frank Report XXXI

Welcome to another scorching edition of the Frank Report. Like the Lionesses, it seems everyone has brought their A-game this week – isn’t it amazing what you can do when you try? Take British summertime for instance. In all my 43 years, I can only recall one decent holiday period where it didn’t piss down for weeks on end. But Blighty seems to have gone for the Greta Thunberg makeover this solstice, which has brought the alarmists out in full force. With droughts declared in the south of England, Sadiq Khan, the man who could suck the joy out of an enema, is in his element – warning Brits to eschew both barbecues and swimming pools. The stabbing’s still on tonight though, in case anyone was worried. 

In health more generally, it’s a bit of a smorgasbord out there. North Korea’s Lil’ Kim spent the week wrestling Covid, and has subsequently ‘declared victory’ over the virus. Unlike the victories declared in his ‘elections’, Mr Kim may actually be onto something. Having repeatedly rejected international offers of vaccines, the regime seems to have taken the rare step of putting the people’s best interests first. Meanwhile back home, Polio is making a comeback, having been detected in London’s sewage – which, six years into his tenure, is about the best thing you can say about Sadiq Khan’s mayoralty.

Across the pond, Joe Biden is now ‘feeling great’ (dementia aside), and China, which has gone about as far as it can with the Wu flu, has launched this Christmas’s must-have – the Langya virus. Believed to have ‘jumped from shrews’, the virus has so far infected a whopping 35 people. Get your cakes and your kormas in while you can, I’d expect another lockdown any day. 

The NHS (the envy of the world, don’t forget) has bigger fish to fry. ‘Difficult discussions’ are currently being had, as the nation’s favourite sacred cow faces a shortage of childbirth pain relief. Thankfully we’re not quite at the stage of rationing diversity managers or cancelling smear tests for those with cocks, but it could get that serious. 

It’s been a busy week for the pricks at Buckingham Palace too. The big story in this edition is that Prince Andrew’s reported £12M settlement was closer to £3M, which means his ‘victim’, Virginia Roberts Giuffre, has the option of writing a tell-all memoir about her experience with the doyen of Pizza Express. In a shock U-turn, Meghan and Harry could return to the Firm, as ‘no one wants the Sussexes around’. And Prince Charles has been ‘whittling down time visiting charities’ while he waits to assume the throne. It’s important to make sure the laundries are still functioning, as he’ll probably have less time to handle Bin Laden suitcases when he’s King.

At Westminster, former PM Gordon Brown has publicly stated that ‘Keir Starmer is going to be a great Prime Minister’, which should certainly cut a lot of ice along the red wall. With Britain’s favourite unflushable turd, Tony Blair, already coming out in support of Rishi Sunak, that leaves Liz Truss casting around for a suitable endorsement. Thus far regrettably, neither Dr Harold Shipman nor Fred West have returned her calls. 

Jacob Rees Mogg meanwhile, the best Prime Minister we’re never going to get, has launched a probe into the scandalous shirking at Whitehall. Despite demands to return to their desks, civil servants continue to work part-time hours remotely, leaving backlogs the NHS would be proud of. In contrast, David Lammy has upped his game considerably, and has now been found in breach of the ministerial code a total of 16 times – failing to declare £35,000 in pay and gifts. 35,000 is a number close to the Lamster’s heart, being as it was the number of nuisance calls he ‘inadvertently’ made encouraging the public to back his failed mayoral bid back in 2016. 

Not quite 35,000 illegal migrants have crossed the English Channel this year, but give them a chance – it’s already well over 18,000, and that’s the official Ministry of Defence figures. Fear not however, the French Police have finally got their fingers out, and are currently sabotaging future escape attempts by puncturing boats and destroying engines; it’s amazing what the odd ten million quid bribe from Priti can do for your work ethic. 

Of course the problem with the illegal Channel crossings isn’t the concomitant crime, the gang rape, and the ISIS fighters, but the fact that we simply don’t know the gender identities and the pronouns of the transwomen who festoon the dinghies. A problem now exacerbated as the Tavistock Clinic is not only shut down, but is about to be sued by over 1,000 families for wrongful gender reassignment. At least the NHS had the good taste to scrap the use of the bigoted term ‘women’ from its period guidance, in favour of the more inclusive ‘young people who bleed’ – a term which also conveniently describes millions across the capital, thereby saving a fortune in copyright fees. 

In Woke-Watch, liberal lunatic Matthew Stadlen wants a stigma attached to three-child families, because ‘the planet is burning’. He’s starting his own family incidentally, so he’s clearly not that worried about it. The White working-class is fictional according to the Guardian, by which they mean they’d prefer to discount this group from any statistics, because it’s hard to push the white privilege bullshit when Whites are the worst performing demographic.

Tanqueray golden girl, Nancy Pelosi, pointed out that China is ‘One of the freest societies’, and she’s certainly got a point if she’s comparing it to New Zealand, Canada and Australia. And a new production of Joan of Arc will depict the French heroine as non-binary, sporting the pronouns ‘they / them’. No objections here of course, provided she’s still going to be black?

Racism’s been a bit thin on the ground this week, but fortunately there’s always more than enough shit-stirrers standing idle to make the most of what’s available. Mohsin Hamid has a new book out, The Last White Man (imagine how he must have agonised over the title), in which the white protagonist awakes to find he has turned brown. Camden mayor, Sabrina Francis, has done her bit for inclusivity by encouraging Black Pound Day, where money is only to be spent in black-owned businesses. I’d love to participate of course, but I’m concerned about what happens if you suffer the ignominy of being served by a honky in such an establishment, thereby undoubtedly contributing to both colonialism and white privilege simultaneously? Presumably the Old Bill will be on-call 24/7 to ensure the appropriate hate crime is issued. 

In other news, UK police are scrapping hate crime awareness courses – what’s the point of raising awareness when you’ve made everything a hate crime? After two years of being given A*’s based solely on teachers’ recommendations, students are now going to actually have to sit exams, thereby causing their grades to substantially decline – who could have seen that coming? 

Jacinda Ardern, Justin Trudeau, and Joe Biden are all enjoying record low approval ratings – the public really shouldn’t be allowed to vote on such matters. Staff at a heritage railway line near Winchester told a visitor that the name ‘the Fat Controller’ is a slur and shouldn’t be used. Fortunately no such edict has been put in place for the SNP’s Mr Kipling, Ian Blackford. And surprise news that the FBI have spent the week raiding Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate, having already spent the best part of a decade turning up sweet FA. It must be tough for the Feds when all you’ve got to go on is Hilary’s 33,000 emails, Hunter’s laptop, hookers, crack parties, and links to China, and an inveterate child-molesting, touch-up merchant moonlighting in the White House. Last week I’d have said Trump was a 90% certainty in 2024 – now, he’ll be unstoppable. 

And finally, tragic news from New York as Salman Rushdie was stabbed repeatedly  by a ‘man from New Jersey with sympathies toward the Iranian government’, because ‘Islamic terrorist’ doesn’t quite roll off the tongue. The authorities are naturally searching for a motive, shame there aren’t any little clues lying around like the identity of the attacker, his devout Islamic faith, or the $3M fatwa hanging over Rushdie’s head for the past 30 years. Revenge, as they say, is a dish best served cold, and the Ayatollah must be have the air conditioning maxed out in whatever Tehran graveyard he is gracing with his decomposition. 

I don’t do the ‘thoughts and prayers’ bullshit, but the world really needs Rushdie to pull through on this one. Instead of the candlelit vigils, how about we all go and buy a copy of the Satanic Verses and actually read it (as I shall be doing later today). Let’s get Salman back up to number one on the bestsellers list – that’ll piss these scumbags off. 

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, enjoy the barbecue and go for a swim – fuck Sadiq Khan.