Most of the news this week has been overshadowed by the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee celebrations. We at The New Conservative sincerely congratulate the monarch – in a world of instability, sycophants and scumbags, she is what my dad would have referred to as ‘a stayer’. And although she has always pooh-poohed the idea of abdication, after 70 years on the throne Her Majesty has probably built up just enough experience to qualify her for a Labour front bench position, should she get bored in her twilight years.
For the non-royalists among us, much of the interest centred on how things would go with the Sussexes’ first visit to Britain in over two years. Banned from the Royal balcony, and apparently ‘furious’ at being demoted to the second row at St Paul’s Cathedral, Meghan and sidekick Harry were nonetheless permitted to attend Trooping of the Colour – the colour in question being what shade of spray tan Her Royal Douchebagness was going to sport for the occasion.
In the blistering 20-degree heat of British summertime, three soldiers fainted while in full military uniform. But if they were hoping to elicit a profitable, sweat-free dalliance with Prince Andrew, their surrenders were in vain. Andrew is back on track now, particularly since his new spin doctor, Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Cant (er, bury), has asked us to forgive the Prince’s £12M sinless sin – and who are we to question the man who stands responsible for the Church’s faultless record on child abuse?
Meanwhile, still unforgiven is Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who remains embattled by mounting insurrection within the ranks. The rumours are that the requisite 54 letters have already reached the 1922 Committee, and that a leadership contest could be on the cards. Deputy PM, Dominic Raab, has dismissed the idea of a no-confidence vote as ‘Westminster froth’, which would seem to suggest that Tory hopefuls are already on manoeuvres.
Pride month kicked off this week, as the global attempt to ensure the entire next generation is at the very least ‘two-spirit polygender non-gender’ are in full swing. Young Americans are leading the charge with those identifying as LGBTQwerty tripling to 21%, and ‘trans’ identifiers up a whopping 1,000%. Britain is doing its bit too, with a new report finding that 60% of male prisoners who ‘identify’ as women were convicted of a sexual offence; it’s great to see the ladies making use of their newly-acquired cocks.
But we’re still not gay enough for the World Health Organisation, which is distraught that the monkeypox epidemic entrusted to LGBT-spread has not quite caught on. Thus far, Britain has still only managed 190 cases – which means if your child isn’t gay yet, you’re hardly doing your job as a parent. Governments are doing their best to get us at it by threatening to ban sex, while WHO made the staggering edict that global mass gathering events planned for Gay Pride Month shouldn’t be cancelled. Lockdown in 3,2,1…
As if immune systems weren’t already compromised enough by Covid and the monkeypox, the elite are unleashing their ultimate weapon of mass destruction, T.B. – that’s right, Tony Blair. Good old Tone hasn’t quite finished meddling in our lives it seems, and in conjunction with The Britain Project, is going to address The Future of Britain Conference later this month. Anyone stupid enough to believe this will lead to a new centrist party has been told by everyone involved that it isn’t – make of that what you will.
In other news, Diane ‘freedom of movement for all’ Abbott has made an extraordinary volte-face, accusing the government of ‘asset-stripping’ poor countries by inviting the world’s top graduates to Britain. In other words, Labour only wants the work-shy, stabby and rapey ones, who can at least be relied upon to vote the right way.
Bad news for London, as retailers could be fined £1M for selling knives to underage customers. If you’re too young to stab legally, you may just have to wait outside the local supermarket and ask an adult to buy your zombie knife for you.
And at the glorious NHS, doctors want patients who miss appointments to be fined a tenner-a-pop. These are the self-same doctors who cancelled tens of millions of GP appointments during lockdown so they could prioritise making TikTok videos, I mean Covid.
That was Frank’s week.
Take care of yourselves, however long you’re on the throne for.
