The New Conservative

The Frank Report X

This week brought us Equal Pay Day, a chance for liberals to demand teaching assistants earn the same as chemical engineers. That’s just as well, because the chemical sciences have more pressing problems to deal with – namely, ‘pervasive racism’. Flicking through my Encyclopedia Britannica List of everything that’s racist, volume 68,042, I can’t help feeling we’re scraping the barrel a bit on this one. Not to worry, at least we’ve got agoraphobic hikers, Jewish Nazis and female women’s sports teams warming up on the subs benches. 

Fortunately for Britain there is no prouder advocate of equality than Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, who guarantees all visitors to the capital equal access to stabbing, acid attacks, and free clitoris removal while you wait. Still, Sadie is rightly concerned that 7/10 women have suffered ‘sexual harassment in a public place’. While Khan is doing his best to get this up to 10/10 by including ‘looking at people’ and ‘wolf-whistling’ in the statistics, your heart really goes go out to the 3/10 women who simply aren’t getting enough attention. 

The Labour Party would love to help them out, if only they could work out what a woman was. Thankfully, Ann Widdecombe was on hand to clarify:

Yes, I know exactly what a woman is: a woman is somebody who menstruates, who produces eggs, who bears a child in the womb, gives birth and breastfeeds – and when I last looked, no man can do that.

Ann (still a strong contender for best PM we never had, in my eyes) also cleared up the origins of the Ukraine conflict:

I’m pretty certain when Putin looked across at the West, he saw a doddery old man in the White House with a deputy who’s no use whatsoever. He then looked at the UK and sees we’re obsessed with parties in Number 10, and pronouns, and he thinks ‘this is the moment. There’s no Trump, there’s no Thatcher. There’s nobody of that order of magnitude of resistance in our way; let’s do it.

Thanks to equality, the government will give you 350 nicker for every Ukrainian refugee you take in (but not a penny piece for the homeless, disabled veterans you might spot malingering around the place). Royal malingerers, Meghan and Harry, or M&H as I like to think of them (this is not just virtue signalling, this is …) were naturally approached for comment. A PR spokesnonbinaryperson got back to us, ‘While their Royal Shynesses love a few quid, they regrettably note they have only got 18 spare bedrooms, with 17 allocated to Meghan’s magic mirrors.’ 

Sticking with initials, PH-neutral is reported to be ‘going out of his way’ not to criticise Her Majesty the Queen in his memoirs. Knowing how much his wicked stepmother will balk at the omission, if he doesn’t get the VC for such valour there’s no justice in the world. In other news, M&H have been lined up to present Best Picture at the Oscars. Hopefully for Harry, Meghan will be too distracted rehearsing her Best Actress acceptance speech to notice his recent lack of obedience. 

In employment, there was the sad news that P&O have told 800 of their staff to piss off. While this has attracted universal condemnation, the clue was always in the name, surely? In Europe meanwhile, Guy Verhofstadt declared that Brexit ‘was a loss for the world’, and claimed ’90% of the EU would welcome the UK back’ – which if nothing else, means at least 10% of Remainers finally got the message. 

Once more enjoying his freedom is the victims’ victim, Jussie Smollett, who ended up serving just six days of his 150 day prison sentence. Smollett was given time off for good behaviour, after resisting the temptation to get revenge on his attacker. 

And finally, rudder-assisted swimmer Lia Thomas proves once and for all that women can do anything a man can do. Though as USA Today and TIME magazines both point out, if you want to win elections, erections are still a girl’s best friend. 

 

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whatever genitals you’re sporting.

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