The Frank Report has just returned from the Labour Party Conference in Liverpool, and your correspondent couldn’t have gotten out of there fast enough; even with a first-class ticket on HS2! With the Tories about as effective as a Diane Abbott cue card, you’d expect Labour’s Fab Four (Starmer, Cooper, Lammy and Reeves) to resonate a bit more with the audience. Even after the impromptu glitter however, Starmer’s attempts to woo the party faithful still looked about as convincing as a public school prefect trying to get his leg over at a Club 18-30 trip to Ibiza.
During his keynote speech, Starmer confirmed he needs 10 years in power to ‘heal’ Britain – by which presumably he means, a decade to recover from the socialist hell inflicted by the Tories. What does this bold convalescence look like you might ask? Well, Sir Keir is planning to build 300,000 homes a year. Seeing as ‘legal’ immigration is running at over half a million per annum, that’s great news if you’re an out-of-work gang-rapist from Sub-Saharan Africa, but not much good to you if you’re the 12-year-old earmarked for his ‘work experience’.
Shadow Foreign Secretary, David Lammy, took the opportunity to unveil plans for a UK-EU security pact; rough translation: a reversal of Brexit. Shadow Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, promised to fight the next election on ‘economy’, by which she no doubt means everyone shopping at Lidl, and the reintroduction of the 3-day-week. And Shadow Deputy Leader, Angela Rayner, was keen to emphasise the next Labour government’s desire to criminalise ‘misogyny’. There was a noticeable shuffling of feet at this, until Ange reassured delegates they would still be perfectly entitled to hate men, white people, and any rich bastards not residing on the front benches.
Starmer is pledging £1.5 Billion to ‘save the NHS’, a line wearing rather thin now – the NHS has less chance of making a comeback than Jimmy Saville, without the requisite public support. Alongside votes at 16, Flip-flop Keir is also promising to build the next generation of new towns: Rotherham 2.0, Rochdale 2.0 and Telford 2.0. So that’s the future pretty much mapped out for Generation Alpha: the human right to gang-rape all but guaranteed before puberty, votes (not smokes) at 16 – but if you’re hoping for a council house prior to your 90th birthday, you might want to start investing your giros in a dinghy.
In the geopolitics Premier League, the Israeli Palestinian matchup has been a lively affair thus far. While the half-time bitter lemons were sucked, the BBC declared it would not employ the use of the word ‘terrorist’ for anything petty like the bodies of decapitated babies, while Wembley stadium refused to light up for Israel, in case any BLM supporters got jealous.
However, thousands were in attendance at Pro-Palestinian rallies across London, including former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn. Jezza has of course long-since decried the media’s mischaracterisation of Hamas, which is dedicated to “peace and long-term social justice”, and it is therefore “a big mistake” to label them a terrorist organisation. A spokesman for Corbyn confirmed to The Frank Report that while Jeremy attended the protests, he didn’t lay any wreaths (or any former Shadow Home Secretaries while he was at it).
In the interim, Prime Minister Sunak has confirmed that those supporting Hamas in the UK will be “held to account”. Really? Which account is that? If true, that’s Corbyn, and a large section of the Labour Party; large swathes of the UK’s Muslim population, half the universities, and possibly a few million illegals. Good luck squeezing all of them into the remaining 651 prison places.
Beyond the protests in London, Sadiq Khan has got his hands full with the latest rewilding project (although some critics argue the capital is quite wild enough already). Khan has helped reintroduce beavers to West London for the first time in 400 years, although he did issue them all with stab vests and BLM T-shirts just to be on the safe side. Our beloved Mayor has also awarded £151 million worth of contracts to firms who will track down drivers who fail to pay ULEZ fines. It’s a shame he can’t do that with over-exuberant rapists and stabbers running amok, but then you’ve got to allow the public their little vices haven’t you?
In other news, the ’Woman of The Year’ award has finally gone to a worthy recipient, Dylan Mulvaney. ‘Dylane’ was joined on the red carpet and congratulated for being a ‘convincingly whiny bitch’, by ‘Feminist of The Year’ Andrew Tate, ‘Jewish Convert of The Year’ Louis Farrakhan, and ‘LGBTQwerty Rights Activist of The Year’, Ali Khamenei. Europe is clearly keen to follow suit, as the Miss Portugal title was conferred for the first time on a transgender woman. The aptly-named Marina Machete, a 28-year-old flight attendant, has not only made history, but saved a fortune on surgery by performing the penectomy himself: “a bottle of Ginjinha and a meat cleaver really are a girl’s best friend!” he said.”
In Wales, visionary leader Mark Drakeford plans to solve the homeless crisis by denying planning permission for sleeping bags. “Climate change could make beer taste worse” claim environmentalists, although critics insist they are really scraping the bottom of the barrel now. And Holly Willoughby cancelled her plans to attend the Pride of Britain awards ceremony, following a ‘kidnap and murder plot’. Phillip Schofield was rumoured to have commented, “Don’t flatter yourself luv, you’re not really my type.”
The Tories plan to solve the NHS crisis with 10,000 ‘virtual beds’ – and if successful, the policy will be rolled out across the board, including virtual Old Bill and virtual jails. The police are fully in favour of the move, particularly as they intend to strike for the first time in a century (assuming they gain full industrial rights). In normal times, this would constitute a serious threat to public safety – however, at the current state of play, an absence of police will amount to little more than a few uncensored tweets, and a reduced chance of lesbian nanna’s gaining their deserved notoriety.
And finally, a study has confirmed that female frogs fake their own death in order to get out of sex. I don’t see why that’s news, I’ve met plenty of French birds who’ve pulled that one on me!
That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, and remember a Sunday without a lie-in, a roast dinner and a triple scotch, sounds suspiciously like a Monday.
Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.
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Lovely! Thanks for brightening my day with some belly laughs.
My pleasure, thanks Mike!
Great work Frank, keep it up 👏
Thanks John!