Welcome to the latest edition of the Frank Report, where we find the nation in a risqué mood. This week’s main story was The Sun’s ludicrous assertion that the BBC is a breeding ground for sexual depravity. After teasing us all week, Huw Edwards finally put down the Kleenex and came clean – aided predominantly by a £35,000 set of saucy snaps and the premature ejaculation of his wife. Auntie Beeb is no prude however, and in accordance with the Old Bill has confirmed that she doesn’t give a fig how much hanky-panky took place – unless it turns out Edwards ate any cake, in which case he’s fucked! Child protection groups are up in arms at the lack of police intervention. A spokesman for No Sex Please, Choke the Chicken instead (a.k.a. The NSPCC) told the Frank Report off the record: ‘Whatever happened to innocence? Why can’t children just be left alone to stab each other and trade genitals in peace, like we all did?’
They’ve got a point. If you haven’t organised a surprise phalloplasty for your daughter’s 16th birthday, exactly what kind of parent are you? Denying women the upgrade of a penis is a clear violation of their human rights, even the Crown Prosecution Service agrees. Yes, you remember those guys who couldn’t find a Muslim rape gang in Rotherham? Well they’re fully on the scrotal sack with this one. According to the CPS, a refusal to fund your partner’s gender transition is tantamount to domestic abuse. And when you consider the success of women with cocks, it’s not hard to understand why.
Thanks to an inclusivity drive which has revolutionised old-fashioned concepts of beauty, Miss Netherlands 2023 (sorry, Miss nether regions) is now a man, alongside Miss America. After decades, forced to listen to beauty queens prattle on about how they plan to change the world, judges now find themselves in the enviable position of simply having to pay attention during the bikini round, and pick out the fat, unattractive one with the ill-concealed meat and two veg.
Unfortunately, such inclusivity is yet to catch on elsewhere. ‘There’s a transphobic dearth of women with cocks at Wimbledon’ laments the legendary Roger Watson, particularly now that Serena Williams has retired. In addition, we’re also enjoying the dying hours of ‘Non-binary Awareness Week’ – your final opportunity to congratulate the whiny bastard in your life for contracting a mental illness. The best thing to do for any non-binary people you know, is to buy them a velcro cock: that way, they can transition back-and-forth to their heart’s content, and when you get sick of it they can always go fuck ze / zir / zemselves.
Not so keen to leave however, are the endless hordes of illegal immigrants our ‘Conservative’ government has decided we can’t live without. There’s just two problems with the current arrangement: first, Britain’s guesthouses aren’t up to snuff. An independent inspector recently branded a migrant detention centre ‘inhumane’, because the internet speed was too slow, and there was no hair salon on site. The second issue is that even the Tories feel the £2.2 Billion price tag of housing our exalted guests is not quite getting us bang for our burka.
Not to worry though, Sunak has come up with an ingenious solution to both: why not welcome a couple of illegals into your home, and preferably your daughter’s bedroom? Pay no attention to the far-right reports of stabbing, throat-slashing, and gang rape – that’s merely cultural insensitivity. It’s a win-win situation for Britain: your daughter can save the Home Office a fortune giving Muhammad and Abdul English lessons, and in return they can instruct her in the proper use of a ‘bonus hole’. In addition to which, if her WiFi’s working properly she’ll be able to livestream it on Facebook as a celebration of cultural diversity. Say what you like about Tory negligence to the environment, but they’re the first party to reduce the carbon footprint of gang rape, and it wasn’t even a manifesto commitment!
There’s a distinct lack of commitment within the public sector however, as Britain’s most pointless strike competition gets underway. Baggage handlers (who cut their teeth as PPS to Jess Phillips), are to go on strike at the end of the month – the likely consequence of which is that your luggage will remain unbroken, and might even end up at your destination with you. Junior doctors meanwhile have rejected a 6% pay rise as a ‘real-terms pay cut’, and are holding out for 35%. Some might consider this a little steep, seeing as the only way you can get to see a doctor these days is if your name’s Mohammed, or if you make the effort to die from Covid.
Access to the National Hell Service is in fact now so restricted, members of the public are being forced to undergo DIY treatment. For instance, one in ten Brits admits to pulling their own teeth with pliers – but 9/10 of them agree the aftercare is still better than the NHS. Top of the list though, are the Hollywood luvvies who have gone on strike for the first time in 60 years, thereby forcing the public to come up with their own sanctimonious lecture every time they switch on Netflix.
In other news, a man has reportedly cut off his entire penis and flushed it down the toilet. Unconfirmed rumours suggest that this is Prince Harry, although presumably that would mean Meghan had sewn it back on first? At Windsor Castle, King Charles hosted dementia sufferer Joe Biden, who got lost while inspecting the Welsh Guards (none of whom incidentally passed the sniff test). Charles has been criticised in the past for talking to plants while gardening, but it paid off this week as he finally got the chance to converse with a vegetable.
There was an interesting incursion into the free speech debate this week, as Taliban leader Anas Haqqani appeared to endorse Elon Musk over Mark Zuckerberg. ‘Twitter doesn’t have an intolerant policy like Meta’ Haqqani wrote, while live-streaming his latest bombing. ‘Sure, we cut people’s hands off and burn them alive if they step out of line, but at least we don’t harvest their data’.
The doom-mongers meanwhile have been hard at work, and have finally taken a swing at the middle-classes. Greece is apparently hot in the summer they claim, and Prosecco could be ‘wiped out’ by climate change. Can you imagine the carnage at Waitrose? As if that were not apocalyptic enough, the pandemic lovers are back with a vengeance. Yes, another ‘killer virus’ is sweeping Europe carried by ticks, which results in an unpleasant rash. Christ these Covid pedlars are boring bastards – say what you want about AIDs, but at least you got your legover in the process!
And finally, on the back of the success of ULEZ and Sadiq Khan’s recent decision to implement a pay-per-mile scheme for London motorists, City Hall insiders have confirmed they are considering a ‘pay-per-stab’ policy in the inner cities. Clearly sympathetic to the arguments for drug regulation, the mayor is looking into the possibility of legalising knife crime on our less salubrious sink estates, according to an unnamed source who wished to remain anonymous (and unstabbed).
‘There’s a growing market for knife crime’ Khan told the Frank Report, ‘and it only gets dangerous if you drive it underground. The sensible thing would seem to be that the government regulates it’.
Focus groups suggest that while the far-right may object to the scheme on the grounds of white supremacy, such a program would undoubtedly raise millions in tax. The proposals are that ‘Knifers’ would pay a monthly stipend for a licence, and be forced to upgrade their shank every six months for health and safety reasons.
Alongside the obvious health benefits of such an outdoor activity, Sadiq Khan has also praised the scheme for its educational benefits. ‘It’s clear that enrolling on such a course will teach the yoof fiscal responsibility’ said the mayor, ‘now that our schools are too busy teaching them how to switch genders to worry about their switchblades’.
That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves – and remember if you want any dirty photos, I charge a lot less than 35 grand.
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