The Frank Report LIX

It’s been a bumper week for Britain, as the nation’s premier sacred cow celebrated her 75th birthday (no, not Diane Abbott you bastards!), our glorious NHS; the envy of the world. It’s unclear what sort of gift a grateful nation should bequeath a septuagenarian recluse on her last legs, but I’d have thought euthanasia should have been much higher up the batting order. In any case, the party was held at Westminster Abbey, where those in attendance played the usual charade ‘clap for the NHS’ – which if memory serves, is the last thing an NHS GP condescended to treat me for.

For a ‘health service’ among the worst in the world, a prayer is probably more in order than a birthday bash – and fortunately, that’s what she got. It fills the void incidentally, seeing as God is out of favour with the Church of England. Indeed, the Archbishop of York, Stephen Cottrell, has recently claimed the Lord’s Prayer may be problematic, due to Our Father having ‘patriarchal association’:

I know the word ‘father’ is problematic for those whose experience of earthly fathers has been destructive and abusive, and for all of us who have laboured rather too much from an oppressively patriarchal grip on life.

Jeez Steve, get a grip for fuck’s sake would ya?

While the phallus of York frets about God being too butch to come out as trans at the next Anglican women’s sewing circle championships, another old girl is on her knees.  Sadly, it is the turn of France, raped and pillaged by all those recently-arrived doctors and engineers, who simply seem to have too much time on their hands. Keen to paper over the cracks, and thanks to diligent observation of his wife’s nightly 3-hour Pond’s face cream regimen, President Macron has not only pulled the country’s social media, but has enlisted the services of the British Bullshit Corporation to make those riots a little more ‘feel good’. 

And BBC Verify have certainly woven their magic, giving the raging infernos a Disney makeover, leaving them ‘fuelled by everyday racism’ and chock-full of ‘the false French riot posts spreading online’. Surprising really, when you consider l’esprit gaulois usually affords the French remarkable tolerance to ad hoc public beheadings and the casual stabbing of toddlers in parks. Like most civilised nations however, they’ve got to draw the line somewhere, and that line is invariably drawn by the religion of the sword: Islam; or the religion of ‘Love Jihad’, as the BBC prefers. 

Despite Macron’s best efforts, there are unconfirmed rumours that senior military figures had given him 48-hours to restore order, otherwise they’d arrest him for treason and step in themselves. Clearly the flagrant homosexuality and necrophilia witnessed at the Élysée Palace are par for the course in a French President, but turning the streets of la République into something resembling Khan’s London is a step too far.

Speaking of Khant, you might feel he’s been a little quiet of late. But never fear, the toxic air-fighting, diversity-loving, LGBTQwerty-fluffing ‘immigrants built Britain’ bullshitting Bürgermeister has been busy behind the bike sheds, and has pulled off another coup. Not only is London ‘the greatest city in the world’, but now it’s also the ‘best city in Europe for culture’, and on this it’s hard to argue with the man. Where else can you guarantee the 24-hour live theatre of machete fights without having to go through a paywall?

Going through a bit more than a paywall to access their money these days is Nigel Farage, and it seems anyone else with a vaguely right-wing opinion in Britain. Yes, the banks have gone woke, captured by Stonewall, and are prioritising pronouns, gender-neutral spaces, and gender transitions over transfers. Call me old-fashioned, but I preferred it when the banks’ principle concern was monetary rather than mutilatory. We could always wait for them to go broke of course, except the last time the banks failed, the public had to bail them out – and I don’t recall them having a problem with the colour of our money back then, do you?

It turns out wokery isn’t quite the panacea the left promised us, but in healthcare it’s a licence to print money. Health professionals are cashing in by urging staff to refer to vaginas as ‘bonus holes’ under the pretext of not offending the trans community. And as more and more arseholes seek the exchange of wedding tackle for bonus holes (know affectionately in the trade as ‘the Sadiq’), who can blame them? 

To the climate alarmists’ joy, things aren’t merely heating up in the underwear department, but upon the streets as well. In fact, the Earth apparently recorded the hottest day in history three days in succession this week, as the doom-mongers gleefully informed us, although this turned out to be a slight exaggeration. Not only was this the average temperature (a whopping 17ºC), but it was also not entirely down to climate change, as the those sticklers for honesty at the BBC explained after their apocalyptic headline ‘Climate change: World’s hottest day since records began’: 

The temperatures are being driven by human-induced climate change and the naturally occurring weather pattern known as El-Nino, scientists say

Too bad Greta ‘face like a smacked arse’ Thunberg will have to wait a while longer for that natural tan, but the world clearly needs to go net zero and Britain is leading the charge. Having already promised to have us net zero in emissions by 2050 (as well as bankrupt, overrun and basking in the pleasures of civil war free-of-charge), Rishi Sunak has got us ahead of the game by being the first Tory leader to go net zero on conservatism. That’s a ‘bonus hole’ for you, if ever there was one. 

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, whoever’s pissing down your back and telling you it’s raining. 

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