Welcome to this edition of our periodic newsletter. We promised not to burden you with such newsletters unless we had something to share with you, but there have been so many developments recently that we thought it was time to update all staff on our latest initiatives.
New guidelines on Gender Health
The guidelines are available in full to download at the Trust website, but we thought it might be helpful to provide some of the main points here. As you well know, here at St Idiot’s we have worked hard to eradicate binary notions of sex. Thus, the renaming of the old Sexual Health Clinic as the Gender Health Clinic. Staff should be aware that any reference to genitalia using outmoded biological terms such as ‘penis’ or ‘vagina’ is banned, as these tend to be associated with old-fashioned sexual stereotypes.
From now on the appendage formerly associated with the male gender which, we all know, can be as easily attached to a woman as a man is to be referred to exclusively as the ‘joystick’. We long ago adopted the term ‘bonus hole’ for the orifice formerly associated with the female gender. Instead of asking a person or a couple if they are sexually active, the correct expression for the activity formerly referred to as sexual intercourse is now ‘bonus hole billiards’. The above gives you a flavour of the new guidelines, but they should be read in full and adopted with enthusiasm by all staff.
Shout Out lunchtimes
Our experiment a few months ago proved so popular that we have decided to implement these in full. Each lunchtime Monday to Friday will be dedicated to a different cause. Keep your eye on the online bulletin board for the themes but, starting next week, the shout out days for the week will be as follows, with their respective chants:
Monday – White male privilege: “Whiteness is a crime and all men are criminals”
Tuesday – Non-binary: “Men can have vaginas and women can have penises” *
Wednesday – Colonialism: “Medicine is a colonial concept…”(we’re still working on this one)
Thursday – Climate change: “Climate change is real, ban electricity”
Friday – Fascism: “Working class people are all fascists, no NHS for fascists”
*we apologise for the use of outmoded biological terms but they scan better
Shout Out lunchtimes will be held from 12:30 to 13:30 in the visitor’s dining-room, and participation by all staff is strongly encouraged.
Harassment policy
The Trust Harassment Policy continues to be a work in progress, updated as it is on almost a daily basis as new items are added. We are working hard to ensure that any sense that anyone has been offended by another member of staff or by a patient is both covered in the policy and taken seriously as a result.
We continue to hear from staff that they do not feel oppressed, harassed or offended in their daily work. Our message to these staff is that they are simply not trying hard enough. For example, with reference to the Shout Out lunchtimes referred to above, if you are aware that someone has not turned up to Monday’s shout out on White male privilege, or even if you feel that someone who did turn up was not really putting their heart into it, then you should feel offended and report the member of staff. There is always a reason to feel offended.
Staff to patient ratios in ICU
Traditionally, the ratio of nursing staff to patient ratio on ICU is 1:1. But in these straitened times adjustments must be made and, leading the way as we so often do, here at St Idiot’s we have decided to reduce the ratio of staff to patients to 1:3. Staff should view this change positively (a policy is being developed to manage those who do not) as the money saved is being put to very good use. And, in that light, I would like to take this opportunity to welcome to the staff of St Idiot’s our new DEI officer Ms S Righteous (she/her), who comes with a wealth of experience in developing and implementing DEI policies and practices. We refuse to comment on rumours about her six-figure salary.
COVID-19 memorial days
We understand that life in the NHS has not been the same since the halcyon days of COVID-19. We look back with a warm glow on those days when the hospital wards were empty, when the country thought we were all heroes fighting on the frontline against a deadly disease, and they turned out in droves each Thursday night to clap for us. The days when we danced down empty corridors making Tik-Tok videos and scolding the public for not wearing masks if they came within 100 yards of our locked doors are but a fading memory.
To recreate some of the ‘COVID atmosphere’ that so many of you miss, the Trust has decided to introduce ‘COVID-19 memorial days’ and these will take place once a month. With the cooperation of our local General Practitioners who, let’s face it, have been working hard to stem the flow of patients our way (by stemming the flow their way), we will ensure that on these days the hospital is declared a ‘Patient Free Zone’. In the meantime, you are invited to submit ideas for suitable activities on those days. Thus far, ideas include ‘Pin the facemask on the pensioner’, ‘Jab the baby’s bottom’ and that old favourite the ‘COVID lateral flow test boat race’ – vodka shots will be provided.
Endnote
A recent audit has revealed that the staff profile at St Idiot’s is not meeting nationally agreed guidelines on diversity. We find ourselves short of one black disabled transgender lesbian and are looking for volunteers to self-identify as such.
Finally, don’t forget that next week we celebrate ‘Non-Binary Minor Attracted Queers Week’ so don’t forget to wear the appropriate lanyard. It also coincides with national ‘Bring your child to work week’, so please don’t forget that either.
Penelope Punchbag (he/him)
Directress of People
Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.
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I’m somewhat disappointed, if not offended, that management have gone down the route of asking for a volunteer to cover the shortfall in the diversity figures. This is typical of the oppression we have to endure. This is obviously a capitalist-inspired idea to minimize staff numbers overall as the act of re-identifying leaves a shortfall in that person’s previous identity group.
We demand this gap is filled by an external appointment preferably from an oppressed minority – perhaps a Russell Group university or similar.
The writer’s apology is also expected so it can be ignored and their employment terminated.
Which will require another appointment process…….
‘Thursday – Climate change: “Climate change is real, ban electricity”’ Shouldn’t that be ‘Ban everything EXCEPT electricity’? Everyone with a brain knows that electricity just comes out of the wall.
🙂
Quite brilliant.
And the arrogant woke fools now ‘managing’ the NHS are so busy peddling this expensive pernicious politicised nonsense that many of their hospital buildings are looking increasingly like the derelict one depicted in the header illustration!