As ever, here at The New Conservative we are ahead of the curve. One of our investigative journalists has obtained a draft copy of the new Metropolitan Police Training Manual from Hendon College. The training manual contains the new, revised curriculum for police cadets and is being kept under wraps until completion and launch on a date that has yet to be announced.
The new manual is titled If you’re not having fun, it’s not policing and contains various modules that will constitute the new curriculum. Here is a taster of what new recruits can expect:
Module 1: Non-crime hate incidents
The new training manual emphasises that non-crime hate incidents (NCHIs) lie at the heart of modern policing. Each aspiring officer is required to memorise an extensive list of approximately 100 potential NCHIs covering such things as making derogatory remarks about transgender women (for example, saying that they are actually men), and forgetting whatever the most recent term is for describing people who are either not ethnically British or who are ethnically British but may not necessarily look like it (for example ‘person of colour’ is the present currency, but recruits need to be aware that it is likely to be superseded at any time; and ignorance is no excuse). The module covers some novel NCHIs including ‘looking at a transgender person*/person of colour*/woman in a burka*/Remain voter* (* delete as appropriate) the wrong way. Specialised training will be provided in what constitutes ‘the wrong way’.
Module 2: Physical training
There is a heavy emphasis in the curriculum on physical fitness. By the end of training officers will be tested rigorously; for example, they should at the very least be able to get out of a police car without going ‘oomph!’
The training is divided into three parts:
Part 1: Jumping (to conclusions)
With reference to NCHIs, every case should be taken seriously and the guilt of the person against whom a complaint has been raised should be assumed. Any man seen wearing a kippah in public should be suspected of being ‘openly Jewish’ and arrested if necessary.
On the other hand, cadets are warned against jumping to conclusions if a group of protestors is calling for Jihad and the elimination of the Jews in Israel. Any calls for Jihad should be contextualised, likewise calls for the elimination of the Jews in Israel. These could easily be misinterpreted as potential hate crimes by an over enthusiastic newly-qualified officer keen to make his or her mark.
Part 2: Running (away from trouble)
On completion of the physical training module, cadets should be able to run at the first suspicion of trouble. The list of things that officers should run away from include robbery; mugging; and violent protesters (unless you are bringing them bottles of water). However, officers should be on their marks and ready to run at the drop of a policeman’s hat towards any incidences of misgendering or transphobia.
Part 3: Music and movement
This is a new module which has been introduced as a result of some poorly coordinated displays of dancing which have been filmed and, much to the embarrassment of the police service, shown on television. Towards that end, and to prevent the police from making complete fools of themselves, this new module has three parts:
Part 1: The Macarena
Officers will not be allowed to attend Pride marches until they are proficient at the Macarena. They should also be word perfect with the song.
Part 2: The Conga
This is an essential skill for officers attending the Notting Hill Carnival. The annual Metropolitan Police and Rastafarian Conga is one of the highlights of the carnival. It creates a nice impression for people watching the evening news and is a terrific distraction from the annual Drug Dealers and Gangstas annual machete wielding competition which does not make such good television.
Part 3: Resilience to twerking
This one is optional for officers with cervixes, but compulsory for officers with testicles. The failure rate is high and this one really separates the men from the boys (when no crowbar can be located). The basic requirements of the module are that, once training is complete, officers should be able to withstand intensive twerking. The aim of the module is to enable officers, if they are being twerked by a black lady with a bottom the size of Botswana, not to react, become aroused and to resist the temptation to move in time with the twerking. The objective is to ensure that the Metropolitan Police look professional and act professionally at all times under adverse circumstances.
The training team at Hendon College refused to comment when asked about the existence of this new training manual.
Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.
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I think they are now onto the second iteration of this guide.
Words like “skill”, “proficient”, “compulsory”, were deemed to be racist and have therefore been removed. “Looking and acting professional” should never have been in the manual in the first place and the authors have been sent to a re-education camp in China for the foreseeable future.
Is there a section on fashion? It appears all PCs now are bearded and heavily tattood (and frankly look like the kind of people you’d avoid).