Khant fires Dick

Lockdown has been tough on the Dick and Khants of this world. Nowhere is that more evident than London, where Covid restrictions were stiffest. In fact, while Dick and Khant make ideal bedfellows most of the time, they’ve not exactly been hitting London’s g-spot lately – unless the ‘g’ stands for GBH.

With social distancing a thing of the past however, the news that Sadiq wants to change his dance partner is a surprise, at least to me.  Having put Dick ‘on notice’ last week (which, let’s face it is usually the way of things), Khant has uncharacteristically followed through on his promise, rather than pulling out at the last minute. The question that strikes me is not so much why, but rather, why now? 

Despite being both the first female, and first openly homosexual commissioner of the MET (two considerable ticks on Scotland Yard’s diversity checklist), Cressida Dick’s career has been dogged by controversy and allegations of incompetence. From the shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes, for which she narrowly escaped blame, to the clumsiness of the partygate u-turn, Dick has found herself constantly under the microscope. 

Her admission that the force has ‘bad ‘uns’ on the day of Sarah Everard’s murder, was seen as dismissive; as was the advice that women should ‘flag down a bus’ if they felt threatened by a lone police officer. Her apology to Bianca Williams, who was rightly stopped by police (until they discovered she was in possession of black skin), was cringeworthy. Furthermore, it was a disgrace how she threw the attending officers under the bus, merely for doing their jobs.   

Both Dick and Khant are shameless self-promoters; the latest swindle it seems, is trying to take credit for the recent lull in violent crime. What our dynamic due fails to note is that, as capable as London gangsters are, stabbing anything that moves is a big ask when everyone is under house arrest.  

The suspicion that Dick has only ever been a PC appointment was reinforced by her excruciating resignation speech:  

I leave a Met that is growing and will soon record the largest ever number of officers. London is becoming safer. These great people include more women than ever in every rank and role and an increasing number from a broad range of ethnic backgrounds that truly reflect the diversity of London. 

This is perhaps only topped by her celebration of the diversity of the dead, in the wake of the London Bridge terror attack of 2017: 

It’s desperately sad and poignant but among those who died is someone who’s British, there are French, Australian, Canadian, Spanish. 

So, for someone uber-committed to the ‘diversity’ brand, it strikes me as odd that Sadiq would even countenance splitting up the dream team (safety in numbers and all that). And indeed, the brutal example he makes of Dick may come back to kick him where it hurts. Firing someone, you see, tends to carry with it the assumption that you’re on top of your own brief. Getting fired by Sadiq Khan has got to be up there with having your gardening pooh-poohed by Fred West.  

As our beloved mayor unequivocally states, ‘If anyone who works for me who isn’t up to the standards Londoners expect, it’s time for them to go.’ Which is all very well, but it does beg the question, precisely which standards is he holding himself to?  

Let’s cast our minds back to some of the mayor’s greatest hits. ‘I will do everything in my power to cut stop and search’ proclaimed Khan pre-election, which quickly changed to ‘vows to increase stop and search’ post-election. ‘Face masks must be made compulsory’ he said, interviewed while not wearing a mask himself. We can’t have bikini-clad girls erected all over the Tube, flushed Khan prudishly – unless of course they’re black, in which case they get £500k funding for ‘diversity in advertising’.  

‘Stop Tube travel or more will die!’ He admonished; having previously assured Londoners there was ‘no risk’ of catching coronavirus on the Tube. Being prepared for terror attacks is ‘part and parcel’ of living in a major city, said Khan; unless it’s far-right terrorism, which needs eliminating. There simply isn’t enough money in the budget to cover London’s policing needs he whined, as he found a spare £10M down the back of the sofa to determine what colour a copper’s personality is. 

As he oscillates blindly from extreme to extreme, it’s hard to dodge the conclusion: whether it’s cycle lanes that no one uses, bleeding Londoners dry for the privilege of driving in their own city, or breaking his own body count records before breakfast – Khan really is the poor man’s King Midas, everything he touches turns to shit. 

Magnificent selfies notwithstanding, London has become an open sewer under Dick and Khant, which leaves Priti Patel with a straight choice for the next MET commissioner: either she continues the diversity theme (it’s gonna be Shammy Begum, isn’t it?), or (God forbid), she goes for competence. 

The danger for Khan in scapegoating Dick, is that there is no longer anyone to make his negligence look normal. And indeed, if Scotland Yard does get someone in who is up to the job, where exactly does Khan go from there?