In a Barbie World

In a world of unrestrained wokeness, Mattel, the manufacturers of Barbie and Ken dolls, have surpassed themselves. In fact, they could be considered to be taking the right royal piss out of the doll purchasing public, mainly young girls (although..).

Not content with producing dolls in a variety of shades to please nobody and, in the same vein some disabled dolls, Mattel have now produced the ultimate symbol of their corporate captivity by people who should never be allowed inside a board room. They have produced a blind Barbie, complete with white cane. So, no stereotyping there then.

Described as a ‘positive step forward’ (a very careful step no doubt) The Guardian hailed the launch of the ‘first blind Barbie’ (shouldn’t that be ‘visually impaired?) and how it would foster a ‘sense of belonging’ for visually impaired children. Yet another corporate solution in search of a problem.

Demonstrating just how up themselves Mattel are, some doll related functionary said that Barbie: “…represents self-expression and can create a sense of belonging.” And here was most of us thinking it was just a doll. One unfortunate girl who lost her eyesight and felt very isolated as a result was induced to say: “…knowing Barbie had a cane would have made me feel so differently about mine and helped me feel less alone on my journey to accept and embrace my blindness.” I cannot attest to the veracity of her feelings or whether this is just retrospective bullshit, but I have my doubts.

There is also the nagging problem of, if Barbie could not see in the first place – being an inanimate piece of moulded plastic – how can she now be blind? I am sure that PhDs will be written on that very issue. I can see them on the shelves of our lesser universities now, with titles along the lines of: ‘Barbie and the nature of existence’; ‘A social construction of Barbie’; and ‘Barbie and the dialectic: a Marxist analysis’.

Some men of a certain age will also be concerned about whether there is a statute of limitations on sexually assaulting Barbie dolls. I won’t be the only person whose Action Man (no pun intended) was introduced to the occasional Barbie doll. Those were the pre-Ken days, of course, but I also reckon I know who would win in a fight between Action Man and Ken.

Not the kind of people to be left behind, here at TNC we have decided to embrace change, go with the Barbie times and produce our own range of dolls, under licence from Mattel of course. And here they are:

Deaf Barbie: comes complete with hidden hearing aids and, well, nothing else really. Market research suggests that some people think this is just an ordinary Barbie, but nothing could be further from the truth. One young girl with impaired hearing assured us that she felt more ‘included’ knowing that one of her Barbies was deaf, if only she could remember which one.

ADHD Barbie: again, this admittedly looks very much like an ordinary Barbie, but it is not. It is completely different because it comes in a box labelled ‘ADHD Barbie’. We consider this a stroke of genius because it draws attention – if not a contradiction in terms – to the fact that girls too can suffer from ADHD. Feminists were concerned that boys had cornered the market in ADHD, but that is because the symptoms are less obvious in girls. One young girl with ADHD was asked her view on her dolly counterpart, but she did not sit still long enough to give us an answer. Nevertheless, we feel sure that she too must feel ‘included’.

Lest you think we are only representing girls in our new range, think again. Hot off the production line is our latest creation:

Erectile Dysfunction Ken: we have received some unkind comments during our market research, but we are convinced that Erectile Dysfunction Ken is a constructive addition to our range. Some people pointed out that Ken does not have an appendage to erect in the first place. But our response is: ‘isn’t that how it must feel to have erectile dysfunction?’ Most people agree, and one six-year-old girl who purchased Erectile Dysfunction Ken told us: “it adds a new dimension to the dynamics between Barbie and Ken. Together they can explore the various options open to them as a couple such as counselling, sex therapy or viagra.” And, of course, we will be working on a range of therapists for Barbie and Ken to visit.

To date, that is our new range of TNC Barbie and Ken dolls but, rest assured, our product development team is working tirelessly to come up with new ideas. Several more dolls will be in production by the end of the year, most of which we are keeping under wraps until they are launched. However, we can reveal that next off the production line and on the shelves of a toy emporium near you will be our newest creations: Pre-menstrual Barbie and Post-coital Ken. Without giving too much away, these dolls have taxed our facial expressions department – but when they are on sale, we think you will recognise them.

Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.

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