It’s almost Christmas again; the Season of Ill Will is upon us. This is when you find out how much you are worth to other members of your family and, as your finger hovers over the ‘Buy Now’ button on Amazon, just how little they are worth to you.
There are only so many socks, underpants, books and bottles of terrible wine you can cope with. And only so much ingratitude you can put up with, seeing the disappointed look on people’s faces as they open your hand-picked, reasonably priced and recycled gifts.
Here at TNC, we are full of the Christmas spirit (we do accept bottles of malt whisky) and wish to spread the message of ‘Peace on Earth and Goodwill to all Men/Women/Non-binary’. We have gone to immense efforts with our dedicated team of designers to produce a list of gifts which will match the prejudiced and jaundiced views of our readers. We think that there is something for everyone here, all reasonably priced and delivered free of charge across the world. Dive in!
Trump wrap
Delight your conservative relatives and wind the lefties up a treat with our Trump wrap. Whatever gift you are buying your loved, and less-loved ones, why not wrap it in one of our wide selection of Donald Trump themed gift wraps? The designs include a Christmas themed MAGA symbol, the Donald mullet in a variety of colours, Donald Trump dressed as Santa complete with beard and, for a few bob more, our lenticular printed (look it up) paper where, depending on the angle from which it is viewed, the face on the paper changes seamlessly between a grinning Donald Trump to an equally grinning Elon Musk.
Reeves Achieves
This hot off the press book reviews the life of Chancer in the Exchequer Rachel Reeves and covers many of her less well known achievements. Reeves comes across as a disarmingly modest character which is evident in the fact that most readers will not know some of the incredible things she has done. Without issuing too many spoilers, her record setting solo ascent of Everest is remarkable as was her solo flight across the Atlantic, marginally ahead of Amelia Erhardt. Giving birth to the baby Jesus will have many readers in tears; despite explaining to the Innkeeper her important position in the Bank of Palestine, there was still no room for her in the inn and she had to give birth in a stable. This was the point at which she decided to dedicate her life to those less fortunate than herself and so she went on to become founder of the Salvation Army. The harrowing description of surviving the Charge of the Light Brigade, which she led, will have readers on the edge of their seat.
Still in the book department we have a couple of stocking-fillers which will bring a smile to any Christmas morning. The Keir Starmer Joke Book will have people laughing for at least five minutes and the Tao of Kamala Harris provides an incredible insight into the void that exists between the ears of the recent US presidential hopeless candidate. Such gems as ‘we all live in the world’ and ‘tomorrow follows today’ may provide clues as to why she failed to get to the White House. Why not buy these books as a pair (discount available)? They will fit easily into the smallest stocking.
Muslim Barbie
With our commitment at TNC to inclusion and diversity, our plans to develop a Muslim Barbie were well developed until we discovered that Mattel had beaten us to it with what our sister newspaper The Guardian, described as ‘Hijarbie’. Undeterred, we decided that Hijarbie deserved a male companion and created Khen with whom Hijarbie has had an arranged marriage. Khen comes complete with copy of the Koran and, as an optional extra, young radicalised Muslim girls can order a suicide belt which conceals neatly below his traditionally male Muslim clothing. Warning: once the suicide belt is fitted, it cannot be removed.
Angela Rayner Dressing up Box
A must for the teenage girls in the house, is this dressing up box dedicated to Angela Rayner. The MP for Ashton-under-Lyne and Deputy Prime Minister has become both a role model and style icon for young girls. Her quick wit, eloquent interventions in the House of Commons and her magnetic good looks which make her irresistible to most men, have put her to the top of the list of teenage wannabes. The box contains a range of colourful suits and dresses and, of course, our patented Angela Rayner wig in an authentic flaming red which can be styled to suit the occasion.
Kits and games
The Kits and Games department have been hard at it to produce a range of entertaining new products. The list is extensive so consult our catalogue but, to date, the best sellers include our Net Zero Survival Kit, the DIY Transgender Kit and the Trump Derangement Kit. The Net Zero Survival Kit has won accolades for the advice on how to heat the average three-bedroom house using only a single wax candle and the Trump Derangement Kit, according to reports, has already led to the resumption of marital relations in many politically divided households. We are not allowed to divulge the contents of the DIY Transgender Kit and readers should note that it is age restricted. Purchasers must be at least seven years old.
No Christmas is complete without a board game and we predict that many Christmas Days will end with our hilarious new game The Pope versus the Archbishop of Canterbury. Based on Monopoly, the objective of the game is to negotiate your career as either the Pope or the Archbishop taking in a wide variety of locations, institutions and situations. The winner is the one who picks up the fewest accusations related to paedophilia and child abuse.
That is just an overview of the many gifts we have to offer this year. However many you buy and however you celebrate the Festive Season, have a good one.
Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.
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