Brecon Beacons no more

To the west of England lies a strange and mythical land where few in their right mind venture. This land is called Cymru and, to give you some idea of its size, they say that it is the same size as Wales. It is a land where sheep are not safe to roam unaccompanied and where conversation in pubs goes quiet when an outsider orders a pint in English. This is just as well as the natives will have been speaking their language, Cymraeg, which involves such guttural ejaculations that it fills the air with phlegm and spittle. During the fabled ‘pandemic’ the language could only be spoken if the conversation was held with face masks on to prevent the spread of ‘the Covid’. Cymru is a country where no chances are taken in the pursuit of the health and happiness of the population.

Another fact about Cymru is that its major industry is the production of ‘Ls’. Each town has its own L factory. Such is the demand for this letter that importing them from England was ruining the economy. In 2010 Cymru announced that, after many years of trying, it was finally self-sufficient in Ls. This has also reduced crime in the English counties that border Cymru as raiding parties used to cross the border to steal Ls from these neighbouring counties and towns. It was quite common, in those dark days, to see signs saying, ‘Welcome to Eng_and’ and ‘Bristo_ we_comes safe drivers.’ English counterraids were organised, and this was not good for Llanfairpwllgwyngyll.

Cymru is now a land of low carbon emissions, and Margaret Thatcher gets absolutely no credit for the key part she played in this. But the Cymry, as the fine people of this land are called, take their role in saving the planet seriously. So much is this the case that they have now cancelled a major source of carbon emissions, the Brecon Beacons. This has been replaced by a mountain range which self-identifies as Bannau Brycheiniog and, in addition to being carbon free, is also ‘L’ free so two precious resources have been conserved with this decisive move.

The costs of demolishing and rebuilding the Brecon Beacons have not been revealed. After all, how will the SAS find their way around Bannau Brycheiniog without new maps? Where will the most attractive sheep be located? What will be the cost of rehousing residents while the repurposing takes place? These remain the unknowns of the project, but we can only assume that it is all going to be money well spent.

This rebranding has not gone unnoticed on the international stage. In the wake of the decision by Cymru to decarbonise the Brecon Beacons, China has just announced its plans to develop a net-zero carbon economy within record time. Speaking in Beijing, President Xi said: “The Chinese people have been so moved by the decision of the Cymry to reduce their carbon emissions by sacrificing a large area of outstanding beauty, that the Central Committee of the Chinese Communist Party has decided to follow suit. We will be closing all our power stations and steel factories that burn fossil fuels, and begin to develop more sustainable ways of fuelling our economy. Long life and happiness to our comrades in Cymru.”

Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.

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