Never let it be said that here at The New Conservative we do not care about illegal immigrants. On the contrary, we care passionately. And we are going to prove it by providing anyone (by ‘anyone’ of course, we mean young men of fighting age) who fancies coming to the United Kingdom and partaking of our largesse, with this handy pocket-sized guide.
Step 1: Who are you? Ideally, you should be fleeing for your life from a bloodthirsty regime where your beliefs, political affiliation or sexuality put you in grave danger. I say ‘ideally’ because if you really do fit the picture then read no further; you can apply for asylum legally from wherever you are if you have access to a British Embassy or Consulate. What’s that? Oh, you’re from Albania, well, why didn’t you say? In that case, flush your passport down the bog, make yourself up a name, and claim to be from somewhere that is a bloodthirsty regime where your life is in danger. You heard that children are treated more leniently than adults? Well, problem solved, you’re 14. Your may think that your stature, heavy beard, and deep voice may be a giveaway. All I can say is, take heart, it has worked before.
Step 2: Enter Europe. This is a piece of cake, frankly, as nobody will try to stop you. Best way is to arrive on the shores of some part of Europe via the Mediterranean and you’re in. You’ll be scooped up by the Italian, Spanish or French authorities and given a compass and a map which says: ‘This way to England’. Nobody will impede your progress across Europe as countries in the European Community have a wonderful open borders policy whereby you may cross them at will. A brilliant idea is to grab a small girl off one of the boats arriving with you and take her along. In case you do get challenged at the border, greater leniency is shown to those who have their little ‘sister’ with them. She’ll come in handy later, as you will find out, so keep her close and look after her.
Step 3: Get to France. France is great, it is so close to the south eastern shores of England and that is where you are heading. Hang out in France for a while but once you’ve had your fill of baguettes, beef bourguignon and Brigitte Bardot lookalikes, then it is time to scarper and set off for your ultimate destination. In this matter you will find the French authorities extremely accommodating. They will make little more than a token effort to stop you leaving and once you take to sea, they will escort you safely from French to British waters where the process will be continued by the British authorities. There is, of course, the small matter of getting into a boat and that is going to cost a bit. That is the time to sell your ‘sister’.
Step 4: Arriving in the United Kingdom. This is, essentially, a piece of proverbial piss. As with the French authorities, you will find the British authorities most accommodating. You will be ‘rescued’ from your boat and taken on board a coastguard boat. Once aboard, tucked up in a brand-new life jacket and wrapped in a warm blanket you will be safely transported to the shore for ‘processing’. Don’t be anxious about processing, this essentially involves a series of questions such as: ‘one sugar or two?’; and ‘milk with that?’. Don’t worry about the tougher questions such as ‘name, age and where are you from?’ They’ll believe whatever you say. What’s next you ask? That’s it brother; you then have the choice of the nearest hotel or just being released into the English countryside. It’s up to you, but my advice is to take the chance of the hotel for a few weeks until you find you feet. Room and meals are free, you’ll even be given some cash to keep your mobile phone charged and you’ll have the run of some northern town such as Hull.
Step 5: Claiming asylum. Now, this is where things may start to get tricky. You have decided after a few months of living at our expense and doing nothing except alternate your stare between the screen of your mobile phone and the local young ladies that it is time to get legit, get a job and settle down here. Now you are going to find the meaning of the word ‘illegal’ which, remarkably, may be a barrier to you claiming asylum and getting a British passport. You’ll find that the local magistrates and judges, unlike our Border Farce, must implement the law and the law says you can’t stay. Extradition proceedings begin. You wonder about crossing the sea to the Emerald Isle, but you hear that their céad míle fáilte (a hundred thousand welcomes) only applies to people who look like them.
Things look a bit desperate and extradition or a detention centre loom. There is only one thing for it, go to Scotland. Visit Edinburgh and run along Princes Street wielding a machete shouting ‘death to gays’. Sure, you’ll get arrested and face imprisonment, but we’ve got that one covered. Self-identify as a woman and get sent to a women’s prison which, I hear, are a lot more pleasant that the male equivalents. Sorted!
Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.
