Just as we were beginning to enjoy 2023, with all that it had to offer for the casual political observer and writer, 2024 is upon us. Heralded in by the Mullah of London proclaiming his magnificence to the world by letting off a few million quids’ worth of squibs, we’re off to a flying start with widespread flooding, junior doctors on strike and world championship levels of sexual harassment in the Welsh fire brigade.
What we need are some diversory beau gestes from our lords and masters, to take our minds off the humdrum litany of everyday problems and lift our gaze to loftier matters. Here are a few of my humble suggestions in no particular order:
King Charles abdicates
The old boy should take a leaf out of the Queen of Denmark’s book and consider his position. No right thinking person in this country wants him. His son seems almost as obsessed with the ‘climate emergency’ as he is, so no change there, but at least it would bring the lovely Kate to the fore. And who among the public and foreign dignitaries would not swap that for the current Royal Stepmother? An American colleague, aghast at the marriage of Charles to Camilla once said to me: ‘You mean he swapped Diana…for that?’ Diana was a ghastly character, but I know which one most men would rather be looking at over the toast and marmalade. The advantages for Charles if he steps down would be that he could spend more time speaking to plants and polishing up his tampon impersonations. Who knows, with the Aussies newly discovered taste for royalty, now that one of their own is going to be elevated, there may be an opening for the former Prick of Wales down under.
Pope Francis resigns
The previous Pope Benedict set the precedent for papal resignations, and the present incumbent should also seriously consider his position. The resignation of Francis could make way for a Roman Catholic once again to become the Bishop of Rome; after all, it is surely not too much for us Catholics to ask. Mind you, his recent public appearance online to address the COP(out)28 meeting showed him to be grossly obese and struggling with his breathing. Maybe God will intervene and call him to the great parish in the sky (probably on condition that he shuts up about climate change).
In addition to removing the above blots on the landscape I have in mind a couple of experiments which might be worth trying. In either case, we’d have little to lose:
Introduction of Sharia law across the UK for a month
For one month the whole of the UK must live under Sharia law, no ifs, no buts and no exceptions. The pubs must close, the sale of alcohol generally will be banned, and bacon butties will be banished. Women will have to cover themselves from head to toe with a burka and wear the niqab. They must subject themselves to the demands of their husbands and marital disputes will be settled according to Sharia law, i.e. always in favour of the man. After a month, a referendum will be held to decide if the people of the UK wish to live like this and I think we can predict the outcome. There may be a concomitant decline in enthusiasm for multiculturalism, immigration and the violent extremists of the pro-Palestinian movement.
Grant Scotland independence for six months
Let’s face it, with their recent disintegration, the SNP are never going to win Scotland again. They have already failed to win a referendum and support for them is waning. But enthusiasm for Scottish independence remains in some quarters including among romantic academics, the grossly deluded, and among elements that want to turn Scotland into a left-wing surveillance state regardless of the consequences. If the UK government wants to eradicate the odious concept of Scottish nationalism, then hand Scotland over to the SNP for six months. Again, no ifs, no buts and no exceptions. The fiscal tap that flows freely from the South East of England to Scotland courtesy of the Barnett formula should be stopped. The Scottish pound will become just that and no longer pegged to the pound printed by the Bank of England, revenue from oil which the SNP say we no longer need will be diverted to England, and British armed forces will be marched south of the border. I hardly think a referendum would be needed given the mass migration out of Scotland that would ensue, and the widespread civil unrest as people fight for the last packets of oat cakes and porridge in the shops. They’ll be begging Westminster to take over again.
These are just some random musings to get us going for the year ahead. I had toyed with others, such as making every left-wing luvvie and politically driven sports pundit who criticises calls for a halt to immigration to be made to house half a dozen immigrants for a year. But that would never work. Gary Lineker was only able to hold on to his for ‘about a month’, or what the rest of us call ‘a fortnight’. The poor immigrant could take no more and opted to be housed elsewhere.
What is most likely to happen this year is that the Tories are annihilated at the ballot box when Rishi Sunak decides to call an election. That is an outcome I relish and if it leads to the Tory party dissolving and reforming as a truly conservative party, even if we have to put up with Starmer for a few years, it will be no bad thing.
Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.
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Spot on as usual Roger, but in clown world I also fear the downsides: PoW will be worse than KC3; F1’s successor also likely to be worse (if even possible); the sheeple would relish a month of Sharia as a diversion from their mundane lives just as they did with all the Covid “rules”; Scotland would bankrupt itself in six months and England would again have to bail it out. Let’s face it there will never ever be another Referendum in the UK on any subject because the Blob now knows the people can’t be relied upon to vote the correct way (although maybe “Covid” has so weakened sheeple, if really the majority, that they might more easily be led now?).