Mohammad XXXXXXXXX
Xxxxxxxxxx Spa Hotel
Little XXXXX by-the-sea
XXX 3BK
31 August 2025
Dear Mohammad,
I’ve been here in England for a few weeks now. Man! It be mental here, I love it!
I arrived here a few weeks ago with Mohammad and Mohammad. They was moved on to another hotel as they complained about the WiFi being a bit slow here, so they got upgraded. So, I was a bit fed up being by myself for a while. But since Mohammad and Mohammad have moved in it has been much better.
I was just saying to Mohammad next door how well I was settling in and he said that he and his roommate Mohammad was saying the exact same thing. But he told me of the latest scam which he learned from Mohammad along the corridor which is to complain to The Guardian that you is having to share a room with someone. Guess what? They move you to a single room with your own TV, X-Box (sadly not the latest model) and, if you claim to be Islamophobic, they will deliver your meals to you.
The journey here was a bit scary. I mean, them rubber boat things isn’t too stable. I was lucky as I managed to get on a boat with Mohammad. Then, from our village there was also Mohammad (the little one), Mohammad (the fat one), Mohammad with the beard, Mohammad without the beard and…always forget his name…Mohammad – the one from along our street.
There was another chap called Mohammad who brought his wife with him, but it got choppy in the middle of The Channel so we lobbed her overboard. Can’t be too careful in them conditions. Mohammad seemed a bit pissed off and we thought about lobbing him over too, but then he cheered up when we told him about the women in England. Running about with their hair uncovered, showing their legs and just asking for it. “Begging for it”, according to Mohammad who got over here before me and who phoned me just before I lobbed my mobile phone and passport into the sea.
When we saw the shore of England, we was all a bit scared. Someone, Mohammad, I think it was, said that it may all be lies about the warm welcome and they might start shooting at us. Mohammad the Afghan told him to shut up or he’d shoot him. But, man, it was unbelievable. After our fond sendoff from the French coastguards, we couldn’t believe how good the English guys were. They came to meet us in little boats, took some of us on board and then towed the rest to the beach.
Some of us started legging it towards the sand dunes but most of us headed to the piles of warm blankets, cups of hot tea and kebabs at the Border Force office. Mohammad disappeared into the sand dunes and we never heard what happened to him. But luckily, Mohammad, Mohammad, Mohammad, Mohammad and Mohammad from my boat came for the food and drink. And did I tell you about that really great guy Mohammad that I met in Calais? Well, he’s here too.
Then we got a pile of dosh and a mobile phone. Don’t let them fob you off with an old Samsung, insist on the latest iPhone and make sure roaming charges are included – you might want to go back to Pakistan for a holiday, innit. Next, we was on a bus and off to our hotel.
When you get here, don’t take the first room they offer you. I learned this trick from Mohammad. Just keep finding something to complain about and they’ll keep showing you round until you find a room that suits you. Just say anything as they’ll fall for any old pile of shit you tell them. Say you think that someone may have eaten a bacon sandwich in the room at some point, that the view from the window only gives you a partial view of the children’s playground over the road or that there isn’t enough room for your prayer mat (don’t bring your own – they give you one of those too).
So, that’s about it from me bruv. Mohammad sends his love and asks if you’ll pass on his best wishes to Mohammad.
Got to go, the call to prayer has just sounded from the local mosque (I hear that the locals love it).
Bestest,
Mohammad
Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.
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Who paid for the stamp? Good stuff, but WhatsApp or Viber etc. messaging more likely and less risk of the users superior human rights being abused by authorities spying on communications that could possibly suggest the sender wasn’t a bonafide refugee.
A friend told me that he travelled to his next village three miles away to collect his prescription from the pharmacy only to be told by the a pharmacy attendant that unfortunately the (Muslim) pharmacist would be away for an hour for prayers and thus his prescription could not be handed over so could he return later to collect. Disgusting!