The Frank Report LXXXI

Welcome to the latest edition of The Frank Report where, contrary to form, the laughs are a bit thin on the ground. In fact, you find us in mourning. Bebe King, six, Elsie Dot Stancombe, seven, and Alice Dasilva Aguiar, nine, were brutally slain in Southport earlier this week; the latest in a long line of child sacrifice made to the God of Diversity. To the architects of multiculturalism, Bebe, Elsie and Alice were nothing more than blood money; paid in order that millionaire liberal wankers could hold onto their illusion of a multicultural paradise – a paradise they foisted upon the British people, but tellingly elect not to reside in. What crime had these three angels committed? The usual: daring to dance and enjoy themselves, in the supposed safety of the country their ancestors built. It remains the smallest of mercies that the girls were survived by another ten victims, those who thankfully have thus far survived the mass stabbing.

Who was the ‘far-right’ bastard responsible for this heinous crime? Nigel Farage? Tommy Robinson? Katie Hopkins? No, strangely enough it was a ‘Welshman’, whose giveaway moniker ‘Axel Muganwa Rudakubana’ made it clear he was Valleys born and bred, before he’d got to the end of the first bar of Cwm Rhondda (‘Bread of Heaven’, to thee and me). Much like any other Dylan Thomas you’d meet in the Llewelyn Arms, Rudakubana is the son of Rwandan parents, is rumoured to have been expelled from school for carrying a knife, and to have called for a Rwandan-style genocide in Britain. Worrying signs you might think, but the Left’s ill-disguised glee at Arsehole (sorry, Axel) ‘not being a Muslim’ was almost comically evil. ‘Look!’ they seemed to cry, ‘It’s not just Muslims – look at the diversity of the scumbags who enjoy butchering our babies, isn’t it wonderful?!’

The media however were taking no chances on the public misinterpreting a nice multicultural bloodbath, and have laid it on thick ever since the judge decided to make the murderer’s name public. “Southport suspect is autistic choir boy ‘always singing’ who ‘hardly left home’”, The Mirror informed us. A ‘quiet and introverted’ lad, ‘clingy’ with his mum, who joined a West End musical simply ‘to make friends’. An X-rated ‘The Sound of Music’ then, just what we all needed – Julie Andrews in the Abbey with a Zombie knife (the Cluedo character Waddingtons spared us). Despite being just shy of his 18^th birthday, the murderer’s social media appears to have only included photos of him depicted as an angelic babe in arms – at least that’s evidently all the media could lay their hands on. What a callous slap in the face to grieving families, parading the murderer as an ‘innocent’ child – as though he were guilty of nothing more than a playground misdemeanour. 

With tensions running high in Southport, you’d have thought Prime Minister Starmer would be eager to reassure the public. And yet, our dear leader, two-tier Keir, didn’t want to talk about any of that in his address to the nation. I mean it’s not as if it was something important like Black Lives Matter, Hamas-supporting Jew haters, or Persephone, Margaux and Lucinda from Just Stop Oil having something racy to discuss in the Oxbridge bars that evening. This was just little girls getting slaughtered in broad daylight, and the votes Labour can hope to extract for opposition to that are close to zero.

If you wanted answers from Keir, you weren’t going to get any. “The time for answering those questions is not now” he told us, before warning of the “tiny, mindless minority in our society”. He means the ‘far-right’ of course, undoubtedly Keir’s specialist subject if (like David Lammy) he ever ventures onto celebrity Mastermind. ‘Far-right’ used to mean authoritarian, ultra-nationalist, white supremacist, omniphobes, but nowadays it merely refers to Britain’s tens of millions of small ‘c’ conservative, closed-borders advocates, who have the gall to hope their daughters might be permitted to live. 

Oratory may not be Starmer’s strong suit, but that doesn’t matter – he could so easily have seized the opportunity to unite the country in a way it hasn’t been since before Blair, and he could have done it in a paragraph:

Ladies and gentlemen (he should have said), this is the end of the line. Like all of you, I am tired of the endless slaughter; the lawlessness; the invasion of our country by those who hate us. As Prime Minister, it is not only my honour but my primary duty to keep the nation safe – especially the nation’s children. That is why, as of today – as of this moment – things are going to change. I have instructed the Royal Navy to patrol the English Channel with immediate effect, and to return any illegals directly to France. We will take steps to leave the ECHR at the earliest opportunity, but in the interim we shall nonetheless be returning all foreign criminals, illegal immigrants and fake asylum seekers to the countries from whence they came; no ifs, no buts. The police have been instructed in the strongest terms to reinstate equality before the law, and stop and search is going to be implemented as widely and as thoroughly as necessary on the streets of Britain. Law and order will be restored. Any hotbeds of disorder, such as extremist mosques, are going to be openly searched, and closed down wherever necessary. I do not have a message for any particular ‘community’, but rather my message to the British people is simply this: “I shall do everything in my power to ensure that no more innocent lives are lost. Anyone who hates Britain or has no right to be here, must leave”. Keep alert, keep together, keep faith, and keep calm – we’re going to get through this, and we’re going to bring Britain back.

But of course, Starmer didn’t do any of that. Why would he? It’s a long time since the working-class represented Labour’s core vote, and Keir obviously knows which side his bread is buttered. Instead, he gaslit the public in the extreme: “We are a country that will not permit under any circumstances a breakdown in law and order on our streets” (at least, not when working-class honkies are doing it). He intends to implement facial recognition technology, and preventative behaviour orders to restrict the movements of those ‘far-right’ thugs – that’s you and me of course, not any of the other ‘approved’ rioters.

When the country rose in outraged unison and said ‘enough is enough’, what did Keir do? He doubled down on his Stasi spiel, albeit with the concession of lighting Downing Street up in vivid fuchsia; further dishonouring the dead by rendering them LGBTQwerty-compliant before they were even buried. Dear Keir, you don’t seem to understand – this is not a meaningless issue of posturing like Trans rights, CRT or DEI – this is real! The White, working-class (far-right) are aggrieved because you’re forcing them to pay for the import of hostile forces that rape and kill their daughters, and laugh in their faces. Pink lights aren’t going to cut it luv.

On Saturday, in response to Starmer’s disgraceful authoritarianism, we finally witnessed the first throws of the civil war many of us have been heedlessly warning about for years. This is how The Frank Report called it earlier in the week: 

There is suddenly a palpable sense that the British have had enough. This weekend’s peaceful ‘We want our country back’ demonstration in Trafalgar Square may just have been the calm before the storm. Let’s hope our politicians break the habit of a lifetime, and start prioritising the safety of the British people. If they do not, things are going to get real ugly very soon.

Alas, they did. Across the north of England, in Stoke, Liverpool, Sunderland, Newcastle, Blackburn and Hull, the exasperated British public took to the streets. They were met in places by a tooled-up Muslim mob, crying ‘Allahu Akbar’, and clearly forgetting their trademark misnomer: ’the religion of peace’. 

Where were the Old Bill in all of this you might ask? Well, contrary to the misinformation about ‘two-tier policing’, the police were operating two-tier policing. All over X, the UK forces can be observed ignoring Muslims brandishing machetes, asking Muslims nicely to ‘leave weapons at the mosque’ (presumably where they got them from in the first place), and grovelling ‘We’re not against you, we’re here to protect you’. 

Protection they didn’t seem to need. Early indications are that at least three people have been stabbed or seriously wounded with axes and hammers wielded by those fashioning themselves the ‘Muslim Defence League’. Seventh Century medievalism is now a permanent feature of the landscape in Britain, aided and abetted by the police. But what else would you expect in the wake of a Prime Minister attacking the response to child murders, rather than the murders themselves? “Let me be very clear: I will take every step that’s necessary to keep you safe” Starmer told the Muslim community. Bravo Sir Keir! 

Bizarrely, Starmer has managed to unite the entire nation – albeit against himself. He even achieved a unison of Catholics and Protestants in Belfast, as people finally realised they have a common enemy: mass immigration. That’s going some, when you’ve only been in post for five minutes. Rishi Sunak previously warned Starmer would ‘wreck Britain in 100 days’ – Oh Rishi, ye of little faith! Starmer’s destruction of Britain is so convincing, I’d wager Jeremy Corbyn is looking on in begrudging admiration. Even Liz Truss I daresay, is starting to worry that her 49 days as Britain’s shortest ever Prime Minister may now be under threat! 

We haven’t heard much from the PM of late, you might wonder? Well fair’s fair, you know he clocks off at 6pm, and it’s not easy getting rioters to align their schedules with Downing Street hours. Besides which, Starmer has booked off next week as a holiday. Probably best thing for him, but that does suggest the country will be left in the capable hands of Angela Rayner. Grab your popcorn before the shops are boarded up!

In other news, across the pond there’s bad tidings for Kamala Harris. America is now so racist, the only chance babbling illiterates have of getting elected is if they’re black. Having seamlessly eschewed her Indian heritage, Harris is currently faced with the criticism that she is a Diversity, Equity and Inclusion hire. “It’s a slur to call Harris a ‘DEI hire”, scream the heads of the DEI departments that appointed her.

The Paris Olympics meanwhile continues on its farcical journey. I confess, it is a spectacle I have seen nothing of except Celine Dion’s exemplary rendition of Hymne à l’amour, and Imane Khelif’s 46-second demolition of Angela Carini in the boxing ring. I suppose French audiences are so desensitised to Algerian males beating up Parisian women in public, they’ve decided to start giving out medals to the men to liven up the proceedings. ‘Khelif is a woman!’ the Left protested, somehow glossing over the square jaw, the broad shoulders and the bulging muscles – ‘She was born as a female, she identifies as a female, and her passport says female!’ Yes indeed, but unfortunately the cock says male!

Having spent decades in Guantanamo Bay, accused of masterminding the 9/11 terror attacks, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and his two co-defendants have finally agreed to plead guilty in exchange for avoiding the death penalty. Speaking off the record to The Frank Report, I asked Khalid Shaikh Mohammed (‘Shaky’ to his friends) why he had made the decision. “It’s just my back hair, man!” the hirsute cleric told me, and he did appear to be wearing the same infamous white T-shirt. “The lads are taking the piss out of me now; they put it into plaits when I’m asleep – it’s so long, I can skip with it!”

Another Muslim cleric with his own army, Sheikh Yasser al-Habib, has also had his plans thwarted at the last minute. Al-Habib and his followers had been intent on buying the Isle of Torsa, off the west coast of Scotland, for the purpose of creating an Islamic homeland. But negotiations with the government to allow Muslims from all over the world to be given a visa broke down, when a Home Office spokesman pointed out that it would be quicker and require less paperwork if they all just moved to Britain and completed the Islamic takeover. 

City Hall greaseball, Sadiq Khan has unveiled a waxwork of himself to commemorate his historic third term as London Caliph. The Madame Tussauds figure was a big hit with the public and reporters alike, who found the Mayor unusually responsive and cogent for the first ten minutes, until a flustered Khan arrived on the scene and sadly had to take over. The rumours at City Hall are that the waxwork is going to stand in for the Mayor during the holidays – thereby saving a fortune on bodyguards and expenses, and almost certainly proving just as effective at reducing crime.

And finally, it is with great regret that The Frank Report must confirm Britain’s most loveable jihadi, Anjem Choudary, has been sent back to prison and may never be released. Choudary was a former leader of the banned terrorist group, Al-Muhajiroun, but had been giving online lectures to members under the pseudonym ‘Not Al-Muhajiroun’, hoping the intelligence services would fail to crack the code. 

I must confess, I’m concerned for Andy as he starts his rather lengthy sentence. The bad news is, whichever nick he finds himself in is unlikely to be as jihad-friendly as East London. The good news is, he’s got 28 years to turn that around! Chin up babe, and good luck!

That was Frank’s week. Please take care of yourselves and your families, and take hear from the fact that while this government isn’t on your side, its replacement almost certainly will be. 

While The Frank Report firmly believes charity firmly begins at home, if you would like to help please consider making a donation to the families of the Southport victims. Thank you. 

Frank Haviland is the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West, and writes a Substack here.

If you enjoy The New Conservative and would like to support our work, please consider buying us a coffee – it would really help to keep us going. Thank you!

Please follow and like us: