If the Gucci-heeled Downing Street dwarf Rishi Sunak could jump high enough he’d undoubtedly be met by two slaps in the face later this week, as by-elections are about to be held in the comparatively safe Conservative seats of Wellingborough, Northamptonshire, and Kingswood, South Gloucestershire. Replacements have been called for the aptly-named Peter Bone, who allegedly failed to keep things zipped up, and former Net Zero tsar Chris Skidmore, who resigned in protest at the government’s plan to access our own oil, rather than pursue the ‘green’ option of paying five times over the odds to let our enemies flog us theirs.
As an illustration of just how permanent a feature the Tories are on skid row, that would mean Labour overturning healthy majorities of 11,220 and 18,500 respectively. All of which (according to the bookies) should be a wank in the park for the perpetually à genoux Keir Starmer, whose party reversed a post-war record of 24,664 in Mid Bedfordshire last October.
To say the Tories have net zero chance of holding either seat would be an understatement. In Wellingborough, incumbent Peter Bone has cunningly installed his partner as candidate, thinking the electorate wouldn’t notice – a move so asinine, ever Sunak failed to endorse it. In equestrian terms then, this is a three-horse race between Labour, Reform and the Conservatives, where the Tory nag has already been nobbled, drugged and shot by its handlers for good measure; any chance of flogging it around the electoral course has long since evaporated. To make matters worse, the Conservatives are now so despised, Reform UK may even pull off the upset – the odds of Deputy Leader Ben Habib having been slashed from 66-1 to just 8-1.
Desperate for a horse to back, Sunak faced criticism this week after betting poundshop gobshite Piers Morgan £1,000 that the deportation flights to Rwanda would take off before the next election. True to hedge fund manager form however, Sunak confirmed to The Frank Report that he had in fact bet Jacob Rees-Mogg £1,500 that they wouldn’t.
Within Tory HQ, the desire to replace the floundering HMS Sunak with a Margaret Thatcher wannabe is now so strong, every female MP within the vicinity is currently being primed and loaded for duty. As Penny Mordaunt, Suella Braverman and Kemi Badenoch prepare their perms and handbags, Liz Truss has just released ‘PopCon’ – a last-ditch attempt to drag the Tories slightly to the right, or the worst LP in history – take your pick.
Without a set of balls between them (and certainly nothing matching Maggie’s scrotal capacity), some MPs are even calling for the return of the hairdressers’ bête noire, Boris Johnson, whose campaign comeback would ‘win us the next election’ they claim. That Johnson may indeed be the Tories best chance is not saying much – according to Vladimir Putin the Ukraine war could already have been over, had Zelensky not been paid £500 billion and a slice of cake to keep it going indefinitely.
In other news, British Muslim support for Labour has plummeted after Keir Starmer failed to go down on his knees for a Gaza ceasefire. A spokesman for Starmer explained the PM-in-waiting would be more than willing to do so, provided he could have a shufti up the burkas to double-check the percentage of women who have cocks.
The National Black Police Association (NBPA) has demanded ethnic minorities boycott joining the Metropolitan Police, in protest at the group’s chairman being targeted in a ‘racist and vexatious’ manner. A Met spokesman advised them to self-identify as honkies, in which case they’d be thrown under the bus for doing their jobs and dismissed without trial.
TNC’s chief correspondent, Roger Watson, was disappointed this week to discover that ‘countryside’ does not in fact mean the murder of Guardian readers. Humza Yousaf claimed that Islamophobia is endemic in the UK and ‘getting worse’, and was unimpressed by the suggestion that ‘breeding four times the national average hardly gave the indigenous population much choice’. And facing criticism that he was ‘scamming the taxpayer’ by converting Muslim migrants to Christianity en masse to avoid deportation, the Archbishop of Canterbury hit back by saying he’d never had so many bums on seats, and that 40-year-old choirboys were better than nothing!
After a government review into smoking, proposals have been put forward to change the colour of cigarettes to green or brown, in a bid to encourage the public to quit smoking. In a similar vein, knife manufacturers are being encouraged to make their blades white – so that London gangsters might reflect on their ‘privilege’, and hopefully stab themselves to death.
The Clapham chemical attack suspect, Abdul Ezedi, is conveniently likely to have drowned in the Thames according to the Old Bill. Met Chief, Sir Mark Rowley, issued a statement last week saying ‘thank Christ we can get back to the important business of pronouns, hate crimes, and dodging genuine police work by hiding behind the Home Secretary’s skirt’.
The Home Office meanwhile spent the week celebrating ‘World Hijab Day’: a chance to experience floggings and acid attacks firsthand for anyone who can’t afford that day trip to Tower Hamlets. And Kim Jong Un has declared his ‘legitimate right’ to destroy South Korea, after witnessing Rishi Sunak’s destruction of Britain – ‘At least we hold fake elections’ he told The Frank Report.
According to the Greater London Authority, the LGBTQIA2S+ club scene is ‘in crisis’, with six in ten venues closing their doors between 2006 and 2022. Despite the concurrence of the Muslim population of London trebling in the same period, and a spike in homophobic attacks, the authorities are baffled as to a motive. Suffice it to say that certain brands of vibrant diversity don’t appear to mix – you can have shirt-lifting on tap or curry and gang-rape – it appears however, you can’t enjoy them both simultaneously. In addition, many industry experts lay the blame firmly at the door of Muslim mayor Sadiq Khan, whose ‘U LEZ!’ expansion is seen as a thinly-veiled slur against the gay community.
And finally, the nation can breathe a sigh of relief as King Charles’ cancer has been ‘caught early’ according to the Prime Minister. Unfortunately the same cannot be said of the Tory party cancer, which has been caught ‘a bit fucking late’ according to the electorate; something Sunak will discover to his cost.
That was Frank’s week. Take care of yourselves, and whatever you’re getting up to remember the 11th Commandment: Don’t get caught!
Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.
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