The New Conservative Alternative Honours List 

With the Christmas turkey now much like the Conservative Party, all but consigned to the dustbin of history, the New Year festivities are drawing in. What better time to honour the movers and shakers who laboured night and day to make 2023 the unmitigated disaster it was? And if Liz Truss is free to bestow life peerages after a five-minute jolly-up in Downing Street, why not us too? Here at The New Conservative we take awards seriously – so rather than the usual list of nonentities, here are the people we feel are truly deserving of Britain’s gratitude. 

Virtue-Signaller of the Year

While his talents as a crisp merchant and his pontificating on half naked men chasing a bag of wind around are well-documented, Gary Lineker is also something of a politico. Observing Suella Braverman’s heartless approach to illegal immigration, Saint Gary couldn’t help draw the worrying comparisons with Nazi Germany. Granted, much like Hitler, the Tories have fed, watered and clothed the enemy in five-star stately home ghettoes no questions asked, but they’ve clearly failed to provide the all-expenses funeral care the Nazi’s were so conscientious about. 

Not to worry however, Gary’s London pied-à-terre comes with a generous allocation of six bedrooms and five bathrooms, and there’s really no knowing how many dinghy’s worth you can fit in there. 

The David Lammy Award for Special Services to Race-Baiting

Perhaps the most prestigious (and certainly the most coveted) title in Britain, is reserved for those who devote their energy to keeping racism on life-support. With the grievance industry now second only the NHS in terms of employee numbers, the government is rightly considering tax write-offs for those taking the fight to ‘white privilege’. Honourable mentions must go to ‘Professor’ Kehinde Andrews, who earns his bread and butter from titles such as ‘The Psychosis of Whiteness’, and Dr Shola Mos-Shogbamimu, whose riveting research addresses the nation’s thorniest conundrums: ‘If you don’t hate the ideology of Whiteness ie White Supremacy you’re racist.’ Quite so. 

Neither of them come close to the genius of Humza Yousaf however, who correctly identified the latent racism in the 96% white Scotland electing him first Muslim leader of the SNP, First Minister of Scotland, and de facto Caliph of Alba; quite rightly, he called them out on it. 

Addressing a hootenanny of honkies at Holyrood, Humza gently pointed out their racism by spitting the word ‘White’ 19 times in succession in under a minute; and if that doesn’t guarantee him his own entry in the Guinness Book of Records, we don’t know what will:

Terrorist Sympathiser of the Year

Naturally In Britain, terrorist sympathy is something of a crowded field. Two names do leap to mind though, and we have decided to award the honour jointly to the UK’s largest importer of wreaths, Jeremy Corbyn, and Queers for Palestine poster foetus Owen Jones. Jezza left us in no doubt of his credentials, when interviewed by Piers Morgan earlier in the year he repeatedly failed to answer the question of whether Hamas are a terrorist organisation: 

Jones on the other hand, made a 25-minute monologue in response to the Hamas atrocities of 7th October, and essentially argued that he’d be perfectly prepared to support them provided they butched it up a bit. Faced with a burned female corpse without underwear, a disappointed Jones commented “If there was rape and sexual violence committed, we don’t see that on camera.” In response to Jones’ concerns, Hamas have promised they will be releasing the Director’s Cut early in the new year, and are aiming to make their next Netflix documentary more ‘warts and all’.

V.C for Snowflakery

More than anything, it’s important to acknowledge extraordinary bravery ‘in the face of the enemy’, and there was little doubt this year that the award for snowflake gallantry should go to BBC presenter Nihal Arthanayake. Having already withstood the brutal racism of the English countryside (whose ‘white and middle-class image’ apparently puts off Asian visitors), Arthanayake attempted to find solace in the studios of the BBC (surely, anything but white and middle-class these days). Nihal was sadly left apoplectic with rage that the few remaining hipster whitey’s congregating around the espresso machine had failed to black-up in his presence. The sooner the BBC bans them outright, the better for everyone. 

The Jess Phillip’s Award for Misandry

Amanda Blanc may have received a well-deserved Damehood for her renunciation of white men, but she comes a distant second to our misandrist of the year: While any feminist can be dismissive of male suicide, few can pull off well-documented comments that men are “the most powerful virus of all”, alongside opinions that men “should be frightened” lest sexual encounters turn into rape, and then effectively play the victim card when men don’t want to shag you. Not only can Evans achieve that in her sleep, she can also clear out half the staff of GB News without even getting into bed. 

Most Ill-Concealed Cock in a Dress

In his latest interview with The Guardian, the comedian Eddie Izzard claimed to have “both boy and girl genetics” – no problem there, until he complained that he wasn’t being taken seriously. Eddie, you’ve spent the past month wandering the streets of Brighton soliciting for votes as a female MP, while sporting a stiffy – you can’t have it both ways luv!

Feminist of the Year

In a surprise move, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un was praised for his compassion when he appealed in tears to the nation’s women to have more babies. Speaking off the record, Pyongyang insiders confirmed that Kim’s tears were in fact due to a breakfast of rat vindaloo still working its way through his digestive system, and that the dear leader was desirous of some fresh meat – regardless of whether it had come to the market via an unorthodox route. 

The Tony Blair Special Award for Treachery 

The ‘far-right’ is on the move these days, and some of its exponents are now so brazen they dare object to women and children being randomly stabbed (sorry, culturally enriched) by our new arrivals. In Dublin, some thick Micks took to the streets in protest after an Algerian migrant went on a bit of a rampage back in November. While the police were quick to dismiss the “complete hooligan lunatic faction driven by far-right ideology”, Irish premier, Leo Varadkar, said he would immediately look to introduce new hate speech and incitement laws, to ensure Algerian jihadis can go about their business unmolested. You can never match Blair of course, but you can try to emulate the great man. 

Stupidest Tory Policy 

I know what you’re thinking, how to separate them? Certainly their were some goodies this year: a smoking ban in perpetuity, or limiting social media access to the under 16’s (I.e. the only people who know how to use it), but top of the pile was Brandon Lewis MP, who advocated the notion that Brits should welcome illegal immigrants into their homes. In fact, why not go the whole hog and simply house the next dinghy-load in your daughter’s bedroom? That way they can simultaneously access her Wi-Fi and her ‘bonus hole’, in a way that’s environmentally sustainable.

NHS Employee of the Year

While some philistines were calling for the reintroduction of the death penalty for Lucy Letby, those within Whitehall fully understood the service she has made to the nation. Certainly we must acknowledge the deaths and hospital beds freed up by junior doctors striking for a 35% pay rise, but surely no one has done more to reverse the record waiting lists caused by 13 years of Tory mismanagement than Letby, and she did it all pro bono. 

Jihadi Playmate of the Year

An honourable mention must go to former ISIS pin-up, Shamima Begum, who with three dead children to her name was keeping good pace with Letby. That didn’t last long however, once the jihadis realised the goats were far more accommodating, and less likely to be followed by a BBC camera crew. 

The Wayne Couzens Award for Worst Policing

We must of course give the nod to Sir Mark Rowley’s fantastic dissembling when it comes to the meaning of ‘jihad’, as well as Kent Police’s declassification of rape to free up time for enforcing pronouns, but neither of them did as much this year for community cohesion as ‘lesbian nana’. Not content with arresting a 16-year-old autistic girl, the Leeds police officer went a bit trigger happy with her pepper spray just months later, randomly spraying members of the public for the hate crime of standing around and speaking. If only we had access to her talents in London. 

Vacctivist of the Year

We’re all keen to get our jabs in, but nowhere is the love felt more strongly than those at The Guardian newspaper, who managed to find some ‘scientists’ claiming the Covid vaccine should be available to buy over the counter, for anyone ineligible for the 78th booster shot. Absolutely right: why not take it daily, and get your fix of myocarditis along with your vitamins? 

The Poor Man’s King Midas Award for Services to Excrement

There’s only one name on the ballot here, much like the London mayoralty, and that’s Sadiq Khan. Who else could classify white families as ‘unrepresentative’, keep a straight face while claiming London is ‘safer on his watch’, and effectively outlaw stop and search with the capital a literal blood bath? Khan’s best line this year however, was his simple response to the never-ending riots, desecration and crime plaguing the streets of our once fair city: ’I’ve no hesitation at all that we need more immigrants in London.’ Ignore the critics Sadiq, you do you. 

One-Liner of the Year

Sadly, we must award this last award in absentia, as we don’t know who to credit for the video (if anyone knows this gentleman, please point him in our direction so we can buy him a pint). 

While the video is several years out of date, it has been doing the rounds on social again recently for obvious reasons. If there’s one thing that 2023 proved irrefutably, it’s that the British people are sick to the back teeth of mass immigration of all hues. As the authorities collude and connive, courageous individuals are beginning to stand up – and none more so than this fine gentleman, who calmly in the face of hostility came out with one of the greatest putdowns of all-time: “Fuck off back where you came from Abdul, this is England.” We couldn’t agree more:

https://x.com/DaveAtherton20/status/1738914388906594762?s=20

From all of us at The New Conservative, we would like to wish you and yours a very Happy New Year, and all the best for 2024. Stay with us for more incisive and satirical analysis – things are about to get interesting!

 

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