With the local elections less than three weeks away, it’s been a busy week at Westminster. Keir Starmer may be about as popular as Emily Thornberry at a swingers party in Rochester, but he’s still on course to be PM by 2024. Not only are the Tories set to haemorrhage 800 council seats in May, Starmer also complains they are soft on crime – by which he presumably means they don’t bleed enough votes from it.
Talking of unwelcome pricks, a longterm study by The Lancet shows that Covid vaccines had no effect on overall mortality (unless of course you count blood clots or heart attacks among the young and healthy). Of course, some people were brave enough to ignore not just the vaccines but the lockdowns themselves. With many members of the public fined the maximum £10,000 for the crime of having a cup of tea with their nan, it must be a bit galling watching Downing Street multimillionaires getting away with a fifty nicker fine.
Cakegate it seems, is just our daily reminder that it’s one rule for us and no bloody rules for them. Take Ange Rayner, the best fifty nicker Labour ever spent. Our Ange was left in tears last year at the abusive voicemails left by Stuart Kelly, who has since been jailed for eight weeks. The hurtful words included the following (in reference to the murder of David Amess): ‘I hope you get shot. You contributed to his death, you dirty scum.’
One would lean towards sympathy for Rayner, has she not done precisely the same thing a month previously, calling Conservatives ‘homophobic, racist, misogynistic … scum’. Unlike Kelly, Rayner naturally had the wit to make the comments where no one would notice them, broadcast live at the Labour Party Conference.
Still, hypocrisy aside, things are not looking good for the scumbags, sorry, Tories. Facing devastation next month, Boris Johnson has clearly decided now’s the time to do something about the illegal migrants he promised to ‘send back’ three years ago. The plan is to send asylum seekers to Rwanda; poor souls fleeing the ravages of the French joie de vivre, sublime wines and patisserie, and streets teeming with Brigitte Bardot lookalikes.
The list of those opposed to such a scheme, tells you what a winner it must be: Ian Blackford, Mark Drakeford, Jeremy Corbyn, the UN refugee agency, and mutinous members of the Home Office have all condemned the plans. Prominent amongst them is Justin Welby, Britain’s most famous man in a dress. While it’s unclear Welby has enough cock to go fully transgender, he did make the point that there are ‘serious ethical questions sending migrants to East Africa’ – for a start, they might run into their wives and children. It’s unclear how much Rwanda may damage the expected Labour victory, as vote fraud is apparently much harder to conduct there.
From elections to erections, news from New Jersey that two inmates at an all-women jail are pregnant, after both having sex with the same transgender prisoner. I maintain what I’ve said all along – it was a mistake giving women cocks, they always have to use them.
Eunuchs are always more trustworthy, none more so than the world’s most famous voluntary transwoman, Prince Harry. Hazza, as he used to be known before he was banned from smiling, was allowed briefly on stage at the opening of the Invictus Games by Meghan Markle, who declared she ‘could not love and respect him more’ (or less).
Speaking of dogs, The Guardian reports this week that vegan diets are healthier and safer for man’s best friend. Here’s a simple test for you: grab two bowls, chop up some steak and some tofu, and see which one your dog goes for – results out next week.
If you doubt there’s anything worse than forcing your pet to virtue signal, you haven’t met Generation Z, who are apparently intimidated by fullstops. This is according to ‘digital culture journalist’, Victoria Turk, who argues ‘Only old people or troubled souls put periods at the end of every sentence.’
Souls don’t come much more troubled than the President of Russia, although at least he has the courtesy to put a noose at the end of every sentence. And yes, while he may be a bit iffy on his foreign policy, unlike Prince Harry, Vlad ain’t Putin up with any naggers. After reports last week that Jacinda Ardern was banned from Russia, there was welcome news that the fair Nicola Sturgeon has also been added to the blacklist. So if you get an invite to the next cakegate at the Kremlin, it might just be worth popping over.
That was Frank’s week.
Take care of yourselves, whoever you’re committing vote fraud for.
