The Frank Report LXXVIII

Dear readers, it’s been a while, but with the general election just 10 days away we thought it was time The Frank Report made a Farage-esque comeback. And thank Christ for Nigel, without whose participation this election campaign would have remained the dullest since John Prescott tried convincing would-be voters by punching them in the face. With the exception of Mr Brexit, the lack of personality on display is so conspicuous, we’ve had little else to scrutinise but the individual manifestos. Hidden beneath the headlines however, are some surprising policies the media failed to unearth. In response to Tory plans to ban smoking for those born after 2009 for example, Reform UK are set to make it compulsory. The Green Party are promising to combat climate change  by the introduction of a Net Zero tax on blue-haired lesbians, and the Liberal Dems are offering free Argos kitchenware vouchers to aspiring ‘pansexuals’. The Labour Party meanwhile, anxious to stem the exodus of LGBTQwerty and Muslim voters, have pledged to allow mosques to broadcast the adhan (Muslim call to prayer) five times a day – provided they do it to the tune of ‘YMCA’ by the Village People. 

With 2024’s game of Westminster musical chairs already a foregone conclusion, the big story of the election thus far has of course been the surge of Reform UK. Denied the time to draft his campaign even on the back of a fag packet, Farage has nevertheless closed the gap, drawn level, and is now regularly ahead of the Tories in the polls – taking Reform’s expected seat tally from 0 to 1, to 3, to 5, to 7 seats. Reform are already the favourites in Clacton, North West Norfolk, Ashfield, Great Yarmouth, Exmouth and Exeter East, Mid Leicestershire, and South Suffolk, although with momentum on their side as well as 100’s of second places, The Frank Report would not be surprised if we weren’t talking 20-30 MPs by the time the big day arrives.

Farage tops the poll for opposition leader against Labour, and while Sunak can’t even get sheep to pose for selfies and Starmer can’t say whether Corbyn would have been a good Prime Minister, Farage is welcomed like a conquering hero into every boozer across the land. Clearly, something had to be done. The establishment finally relented, and brought out the big guns.

First up was BBC fact-checker and ‘CV doctor’ Marianna Spring, who took it upon herself to pronounce the number of social media accounts hellbent on voting Reform was not in keeping with how pampered metropolitan snobs wanted the plebs to vote; ergo, they must be ‘bots’. Her big finale was identifying 50 ‘suspicious accounts’ (suspicious largely because they refused to reply to her), before admitting “they could still have been genuine”.

Next up was the media. Denied access to the Leaders’ Debate, given just 8% coverage by Ofcom (despite being in second place), and having to endure 30 minutes of Nick Robinson ‘gotcha’ questions, it’s a miracle Farage kept his cool. Even big tech stuck its oar in, with Google mysteriously blocking Reform UK ads – before making an embarrassed volte face just hours later. The attack has been so relentless in fact, you’d think Nigel was already safely ensconced inside Number 10.

Without much chance of electoral victory, Rishi Sunak appears determined to salvage something from the situation, and is clearly focussed on reducing Tory emissions by getting them down to Net Zero seats. Speaking off-the-record to The Frank Report, Sunak confirmed he did in fact instruct ministers to have a flutter on the date of the general election, it’s just the majority are so incompetent they got the date wrong.

Others at Tory HQ are less resigned to their fate, and have drafted in 60-year-old birthday boy, Boris Johnson, to play a more active role in the campaign. It is understood Johnson’s contribution largely amounts to the proper etiquette of calling burka-clad Muslims “pillarboxes”, as well as how to avoid a paternity test. While it is unclear whether the former PM is back on the payroll, it’s rumoured he was more interested in a safe seat than a piece of birthday cake.

The establishment aside, such is the popularity of Nigel Farage that his campaign theme (‘Without Me’ by Eminem) has made a reappearance in the UK’s top 40, more than 20 years since its first release. Keir Starmer refused to confirm whether Aerosmith’s ‘Dude Looks Like A Lady’ was his official theme song, while Number 10 put the phone down on me when I asked a similar question about Justin Timberlake’s ‘Cry Me A River’.

In terms of our soon-to-be Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, to say that he doesn’t exactly inspire confidence would be an understatement. Happy to sacrifice his family on the altar of high office: “I wouldn’t use private healthcare even if my children were ill”, he has already welshed on plans for VAT on private schools, before he even gets the keys to Number 10. Granted, Jeremy Corbyn was more lunatic than maverick – but at least you got a free ‘I love the IRA’ badge to accompany the apocalypse. Keir Starmer, I fear, has superior camouflage.

In other news, Pope Francis has demanded the West welcome in illegal migrants. Hard to know how much more welcoming we could get than free housing, free WiFi and free gang-rape, but we’ll up the anti your holiness, just as soon as the Vatican City’s full, luv.

We’re almost at the end of Pride month (those 365 days a year just fly by don’t they?), and the media can’t stop aggressively demanding ‘so what have you done?’ Personally, I’ve got myself thrown off university campus buildings, and had the shit kicked out of me several times during London’s peaceful Hamas protests. But I must be either homophobic or doing something wrong, because I’m just not feeling it.

According to the Metropolitan Police, nearly half of all shooting go unsolved due to ‘witnesses being afraid to share evidence’ with the Old Bill. Either that, or because most of them are so dead they couldn’t even vote Labour.

Chancellor-in-waiting Rachel Reeves declared this week ‘No jobs women can’t do’, an announcement met with absolute delight by the patriarchy; many of whom downed tools, and swapped the safe space of the roads, the building sites and the sewers for the unchartered perils of the local boozer.

And finally, politics makes strange bedfellows – and nowhere is that more apparent than Kim Jong Un’s recent Pyeongyang love-in with Vladimir Putin. Having clearly made it past first base, the couple were all smiles for the cameras as they took a limousine ride through a local park. While the media focussed on the obvious military benefits of such an alliance, the tryst had ulterior motives. Putin and Kim are in fact the latest celebrities to team up with Netflix (a company with a limited fan-base in both the Democratic Republic and Mother Russia), and were shooting the trailer for the woke remake of Driving Miss Daisy. After a violent game of Rock, Scissors, Paper, Putin drew the short straw and landed the Morgan Freeman part of chauffeur. Kremlin insiders refused to confirm whether the President would black-up on-screen, although the rumours are that he will go the full Justin Trudeau – provided Kim goes full ‘trans’ for the Jessica Tandy role. Watch this space. 

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Frank Haviland is the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West, and writes a Substack here.

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