The year is 2034, the British voting public have again made their decisive choices in the general election – all seats have been won by unopposed LibLabConGreenSF ‘Grand Coalition’ candidates (except for maverick aged Reform MP Nigel Farage in Clacton-on-Sea). No part of the ‘Grand Coalition’ can agree who should be Prime Minister, and the European Union are threatening to send in troops to quell unacceptable uncertainty on their doorstep. King William V acts decisively by asking Lord Earthshot (A. L. Blair) to serve as PM. Appointing a cabinet of ‘All The Talents’ is easy for the noble Lord, and all appointees are immediately issued with very clear instructions: ‘Reform, Reform, Reform’ (N.b. not the Farage version) being the PM’s order.
Newly-appointed Minister of Education, J. D. Essex MP, embraces his brief with enthusiasm and decides something must be done about History teaching as he’s seen some stuff on YouTube and TikTok that deffo (sic) proves everything is being taught wrong. As the minister has a lucrative calendar of reality TV appearances and is pressed for time, he is advised by senior civil servants to simply rationalise the History curriculum (‘chillax the saddo desk stuff’, being the only way he seems to half-grasp their proposal).
Accordingly, at all levels of teaching, the new History syllabus will comprise of, and ONLY of, the following:
January-February: Black History
March-April: Islamic History
May-June: British Slavery History
July-August extended Summer holiday – set project work essential
September-October: LGBTQ+++++ History
November-December: Modern Cultural History
Just in case any recidivist History teachers are tempted to use their old university lecture notes or to mention dead monarchs and old wars, useful ‘Guidance Notes’, which are summarised below, are provided (N.b. these are NOT optional suggestions).
Black History is an acknowledged teaching challenge and teachers must not be tempted to focus much attention, or indeed any, on other non-white groups to pad things out. Black History must not however be a two-month study of Mary Seacole and Windrush (although both will obviously form a very sizeable part of the syllabus). The oppression of ‘People of Colour’ by ‘White Englishmen’ throughout the ages should provide ample scope for valid learning opportunities.
N.b. pupils or students may not be permitted to opt out, notes from parents requesting this should be referred ** upwards to the regional Black Lives Matter (BLM) co-ordinator.
Islamic History is another challenge. Classrooms MUST be divided by floor to ceiling curtains, with boys on one side and girls with appropriate head coverings/modesty preserving uniforms on the other. It is quite appropriate, and indeed encouraged, to co-opt unqualified teaching assistance from the local mosque and the usual safeguarding checks can be dispensed with for honoured guest-helpers. Make sure that learners are helped to see the superiority of Islamic lifestyles, compared to those of all other faiths, by demonstrating that kuffar are both misguided and likely to come a cropper unless they learn, at the very least, how to be respectful. During Ramadan, strict enforcement of Islamic dietary requirements must be followed by all learners and teachers, with no exceptions.
N.b. ** see above, to the Police (the mosque supplied helper will probably be of assistance in this matter).
British Slavery History must make it clear that the Scottish, Irish and Welsh had no part whatsoever in the slave trade, nor should the subject be unacceptably diluted by consideration of any other nations’ slavery connections – only the English ones are relevant – and the abolition of slavery and subsequent British naval suppression of the slave trade must be taught, if at all (this IS optional), wholly within the context of the evils of English slave traders and their living descendants. Focusing extensively upon the life of a fictional slave will provide multiple learning opportunities (as will ensuring any suspiciously white-looking English pupils or students are used as material for investigative family history projects, ideally finding, exposing and punishing their own links to the slave trade).
N.b. ** see above, upwards to the regional BLM co-ordinator.
LGBTQ+++++ History must not be a two-month study of the lives of Alan Turing, Tom Daley and Peter Tatchell (although obviously a key part of the syllabus), but should be an in-depth examination of brave role models and an interactive challenge to the learners’ own sexuality and gender identification assumptions. Not too much showbusiness related razzmatazz should cloud this serious topic, however the incorporation and extensive use of rainbows and flags is greatly encouraged. No learner in these lessons should be allowed to self-identify as male, female, heterosexual or homosexual, and project work should force perceptions to be challenged by getting participants to swap their gender and sexuality (at least in these lessons) to see what it’s like to live as a member of a discriminated against minority.
N.b. ** see above, (except in the case of boys dressed/identifying as girls or girls dressed/identifying as boys in ALL lessons, although obviously not in Islamic History where such pupils and students should be taught separately on the school roof) referrals should be made to Stonewall and/or social services.
Modern Cultural History will be generously provided with resources by The Guardian and so the syllabus will be predominantly based upon the sponsor’s knowledgeable grasp of all the key subsets. Subsets will examine Art, Dance, Drama, Music and New Media – with a heavy emphasis upon works by representatives of oppressed minorities and the debunking of the value of everything before the year 2000. School/College subsidised trips to the Eurovision Song Contest should, wherever possible, be prioritised. This exciting topic will provide maximum opportunities for crossovers with the other History syllabus topics, however any contradictions pointed out should first be ignored, but if pushed further, the pupil or student raising them should be given an appropriate punishment.
N.b. ** see above, result in immediate and permanent expulsion from the school or college community as the ethos and integrity of education must be protected from attack by ‘far- right’ bigots.
Martin Rispin has had a career in many different sectors, most lately in the fields of English Tourism and Heritage based Urban Regeneration. He now lives, retired, in Kingston upon Hull.
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Only thing missing is taking every opportunity to ensure the ‘climate emergency’ is brought into everything.
Those who consider the situation dire should be joining and becoming an activist with the Reform Party pronto – if they don’t then they only have themselves to blame for the dystopia to which they and their loved ones are most definitely to experience in due course.
I would have expected a sub-course on where the “new – Christianity” is challenging the old weary Bible version. Class materials are available through the sponsors, J. Welby Associates.