Tea with Mohamed

In another of our series of in-depth interviews, The New Conservative (TNC) caught up with a recently arrived visitor to these shores to find out what it’s like to exist at the sharp end of what some would refer to as the illegal immigration system. We at TNC take a more compassionate approach, and prefer to refer to those arriving on our shores in small dinghies as ‘incoming financial assets.’

Mohamed (not his real name) agreed to speak to your correspondent on the understanding that his identity and location were not revealed; that and an iPhone 14 Pro. He had only been supplied with an iPhone 12, but read on, things get even worse. Warning: some readers may find the following distressing.

I met Mohamed, 34 years old, in a luxury spa somewhere in North Yorkshire.

TNC: Thanks for agreeing to meet me and to this interview. Did you have to come far to meet me today?

Mohamed: No, I live here. It is far from perfect, but I complained so much about the previous hotel they put me in, that they moved me. Man, it was truly terrible in that other place. The WiFi signal was weak; I asked for a king-sized bed, and they only gave me a single, and the coffee at breakfast was instant. Is it too much to expect some fresh ground coffee? No, it’s much better here but they could turn the heating in the pool up, it spoils my morning dip.

TNC: I will make sure that part of the interview gets published as I imagine our readers will be outraged to hear these things.

Mohamed: Thank you, Allah will bless you.

TNC: Could I ask you where you come from?

Mohamed: I would point out that your question has racist undertones, and I would like to know whether you asked that young lady behind the reception where she came from? By the way, she comes from Romania. I asked her last night.

TNC: I do apologise for my insensitivity. I was only trying to ascertain which war-torn part of the world you came from, as I am sure that it will increase our readers’ sympathy for you.

Mohamed: Oh, OK. Then, tell me, where is the most war-torn place in the world right now?

TNC: Well, right now, according to the World Populace website, it is Burkina Faso.

Mohamed: That’s where I come from then.

TNC: Really? But aren’t the inhabitants of Burkina Faso black? You are quite fair-skinned.

Mohamed: And your point is?

TNC: How did you arrive in the UK. Is that what you said when you arrived on the beach at Hastings?

Mohamed: An immigration charity called RNLI picked me up in the Channel from a small rubber boat.

TNC: Was that a frightening experience? Were you in danger?

Mohamed: Not really, the handover between the RNLI and the French Coastguard who escorted us out of Calais was seamless. Just like the travel agent in France told us it would be. By the way, I strongly recommend the agency Migrants ‘R’ Us, run by Oleg and Viktor which operates out of Calais. They specialise in one-way journeys to the UK.

TNC: What was it like when you landed in Britain?

Mohamed: It was easy man. As you English say, it was a ‘piece of the cake.’ I just told them I was a fifteen-year-old homosexual fleeing oppression.

TNC: Which country did you tell them you came from?

Mohamed: Remind me which is the most war-torn place in the world right now?

TNC: Burkina Faso.

Mohamed: Then that’s what I told them.

TNC: Do you have a passport.

Mohamed: No, it was stolen from me on the way here. Some of these migrants are criminals you know.

TNC: Have you made many friends since arriving?

Mohamed: No not many. When I went to my first hotel, I thought I had. A group of men asked me if I would like to go and do some bombing. Of course, I was really happy to take part as I hear some people here are infidels who desecrate The Koran, and that women are allowed to speak.

TNC: I must say, I am a little shocked. I don’t think this is the kind of thing our readers will want to hear. Did you get involved in any bombing?

Mohamed: No. It turns out they had overheard I was a homosexual and they wanted to do something else. It sounded like ‘bombing’.

TNC: But are you not a homosexual?

Mohamed: Hey man, what are you saying? Homosexuality is an abomination and those who practice it should be executed.

TNC: This is not the kind of stuff our readers will like; we pride ourselves at TNC on inclusivity and diversity. In fact, we are a very inclusive and diverse society.

Mohamed: And that’s what I heard before I came. Why do you think I made the journey?

TNC: Mohamed, once again, thank you very much for agreeing to be interviewed by TNC.

 

Roger Watson is a retired academic, editor and writer. He is a columnist with Unity News Network and writes regularly for a range of conservative journals including The Salisbury Review and The European Conservative. He has travelled and worked extensively in the Far East and the Middle East. He lives in Kingston upon Hull, UK.

 

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