Women Still Have Penis Envy

Call me a traditionalist, but I’ve always preferred women without a penis. It keeps things simple that way: everyone knows which bathroom they’re using; everyone knows which part of the department store is for them; and, chances are, everyone knows who’s paying for dinner.

However I’m clearly in a minority, as more and more women are discovering the benefits of the dingle-dangle – specifically the advantages it can bring. First of all, there’s sport. While the three-legged race has long been a staple for mums and dads at school sports day, female athletes are only just coming around to the realisation that a third leg is about as close as you can get to the guarantee of Olympic gold (assuming you’re not blessed with the necessary talent, of course). 

Then there’s the field of politics. Thirty years ago, when the Labour Party introduced all-women shortlists you’d have been hard-pressed to find a todger anywhere near the lineup; fast forward to 2023, and not only are those who ‘self identify’ as women more than welcome on the list, the Labour Party has already had their first ‘transwoman’ Women’s Officer.  

Women with penises are also fantastically more likely to secure advertising endorsements from companies who don’t mind the odd $27 billion dip in the share price, and to win female beauty contests – provided they were clearly unattractive in the first place. I’d long-since considered Freud’s theory of ‘penis envy’ to be risible, but maybe he had a point after all?

Political parties certainly seem to think so, on the lookout as they always are for freebies with which to bribe the electorate. And as the next general election cycle just about heaves into view, my curiosity was piqued back in May when I heard Sir Ed Davey, leader of the Liberal Democrats answering what has become this year’s ‘gotcha’ question, ‘Can a woman have a penis?’:

.@NickFerrariLBC: 'So a woman can have a penis?'

Lib Dem leader @EdwardJDavey: 'Quite clearly.' pic.twitter.com/kDT9qxnWTK

— LBC (@LBC) May 23, 2023

‘Quite clearly’. Really Ed?! Perhaps he’s thinking of giving them out willy-nilly as the next LibDem conference?

Davey is not a lunatic, or fringe backbench MP hoping to cause trouble; he is actually in that rarest of positions for a Liberal Democrat leader – full of electoral promise. Despite the fact that the Tories are expected to flatline come the next ballot, Keir Starmer is so woefully incapable of connecting with voters, that he refuses to rule out a Labour-LibDem coalition government. Davey is therefore hedging his bets carefully. 

For the past couple of years, British politicians of all hues have dodged the female todger question, but 2023 seems to be the year they all ‘come clean’. Labour leader Keir Starmer went first, with the ridiculous assertion that ‘99.9% of women, of course haven’t got a penis’:

Challenged by @NickFerrariLBC about his comments that ’99.9% of women don’t have penises,’ Sir Keir Starmer says he was trying to add some ‘common sense’ to the trans discussion. pic.twitter.com/dTmpKFZPmX

— LBC (@LBC) April 4, 2023

Conservative Party leader, Rishi Sunak, was emboldened to extend that to 100%, but he didn’t seem overly convinced of his own argument, and felt the need to make a number of caveats to this simple statement of fact:

1/2 In response to Keir Starmer saying 99.9% of women "haven't got a penis", Prime Minister Rishi Sunak confirms he believes it's actually "100%". Sunak goes on to defend "compassion" for those thinking about gender but asserts the importance of biology for women's rights. pic.twitter.com/5NHf0Inc1I

— Stephen Knight 🎙️ (@GSpellchecker) April 13, 2023

This got me thinking. With two out of three of Westminster’s major parties all-in for the ‘transwomen are women’ nonsense (and let’s face it, Sunak could hardly agree as Tory voters would never stand it), just how rife is this malady, and what precisely do the leaders hope to gain from the charade they are playing?

While Britain essentially operates politically via a two-party system, there are a range of smaller parties at Westminster that ebb and flow depending on the state of the first two. After the Tories, who make little use of their 64-seat majority, the Labour Party is currently in possession of 196 seats. That still leaves 99 up for grabs. The next largest group is the Scottish National Party, which is so in favour of girls with penises, it changed the law to increase their number. 

While it can be taken as read that the Democratic Unionist Party, the Alba Party (Alex Salmond’s breakaway from the SNP, which opposes their stance on gender matters), and Reclaim are not of the opinion that women can have a penis, all the other parties are. 

Although their seven MPs do not sit or vote at Westminster, Sinn Fein are ‘committed to seeing true LGBTQI+ equality achieved’. Plaid Cymru leader, Adam Price also confirms the party’s unequivocal support for the trans community: ‘Wales should be for everyone, and there can be no free Wales until everyone is free’. Green Party leader, Carla Denyer, quite clearly believes women can have a penis, as does Stephen Farry of the Alliance Party. And poor old Matthew O’Toole of the Social Democratic and Labour Party certainly claims to believe it, especially if it means the voters won’t attack him:

In April last year, the SDLP's Matthew O'Toole tied himself up in knots when Nolan asked him to define a woman. Absolutely shocking that a man struggles to define what a woman is and is terrified of using the wrong words in case the Wokeists come after him. pic.twitter.com/7sxCDVnBle

— Citizen Journalists (@citizenjournos_) February 16, 2023

Even if you assume that the remaining 14 independent MPs and the speaker, Lindsay Hoyle, are raging transphobes, that still leaves a comfortable majority of Westminster parties firmly of the view that a penis does not necessarily preclude you from being a woman. What can this mean?

Before researching this piece, I expected to write that the vast majority of the public has a bit more common-sense, or honesty about them; showing how out of touch our politicians are – but this is not necessarily the case. Notwithstanding the fact that 97% of transwomen have not undergone surgery, UK polling indicates that popular opinion is divided: 46% of Brits agree that transwomen are women, 32% disagree, and 22% don’t know. 

I confess, I am extremely sceptical about these figures. I doubt whether you could find more than a handful of people in a hundred, who genuinely believe a biological male can be a woman. One reason for that is what happens to the poll numbers when the consequences of such policies are raised. For instance, when asked if they thought transwomen should be allowed to compete in female sport, the 46% reduces drastically to a mere 19% – but what changed? Either transwomen are real women. or they aren’t? 

Nevertheless, whatever the populace actually believes, the direction of opinion is only headed one way, which seems to explain what Westminster is up to. Thanks to woke sex education in schools (which teaches that men can get pregnant), one in three children already believe women can have a penis, and one in ten either ‘want to change their gender or have already done so’. 

So for the decreasing number of traditionalists out there, don’t be surprised by the time the next general election rolls round that support for men in dresses features dramatically in party manifestoes. And for those women who haven’t already got a penis, I’m sure if you vote the right way access to one will soon become a basic human right.

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