The Frank Report XLV

Welcome to the latest edition of the Frank Report, where you find me wading through a Sargasso Sea of Jeremy Hunt autumn statement tax rises. ‘Everyone will have to pay more tax’ says the Chancellor, by which of course he means everyone stupid enough to have a job in these ponce-ridden days. I know, I know, you haven’t had a meaningful pay-rise in forever, but someone’s got to pick up the tab for all that essential spending, and Mr ‘See you next Tuesday’ thought you might like to step in: so whether it’s the latest Black Friday flatscreen TVs only those on benefits can afford, the bottomless pit of the NHS, or an advertising campaign to convince the rest of Albania to move here – isn’t it reassuring to know Jeremy’s already put your name forward?

With the 45p income tax rate threshold slashed from £150,000 to £125,140, resulting in 250,000 Brits paying more than their fair share, it’s not the working man I feel sorry for, but Jeremy Corbyn. After 12 years of a nominally conservative government, we have the highest tax since WWII, inflation at a 40-year high, a national debt of £2.5Tn, and £12Bn already pledged in ‘climate reparations’ – Magic Grandpa could have caused that sort of chaos with his eyes closed.

Still, Corbyn may soon be on to bigger and better things, as rumours circulate he fancies a 2024 stab at the London Mayor’s job; a gig the inveterate wreath-laying Hamas apologist is more than qualified for. The campaign trail would at least prove interesting – pitting terrorist-loving Jezza against Sadiq ‘see no rape gangs, hear no stabbing’; Christ, can you imagine the manifestoes?! 

Meanwhile at Westminster, Dominic Raab is embroiled in bullying allegations as former Foreign Office grandee, Lord McDonald, claims colleagues were ‘scared’ to go into Mr Raab’s office, and that he was ‘very curt with people’. This harks back to the tedious allegations surrounding Priti Patel, whenever she attempted to get Home Office staff off their arses for five minutes, and was accused of ‘shouting and swearing’ at them. What a nation of sissies we have become if those charged with defence of the realm cannot tolerate the odd brusque conversation. Personally, I’d say there wasn’t enough bullying going on at the heart of government – maybe if there were, civil servants might get their fingers out occasionally. 

Promising to get their foie gras-encrusted fingers out for cinq minutes, are French border guards, who assure us that this time, £63Million will absolutely be enough to halt the Channel migrants, whom they are really, really determined to keep on French soil. In reality, it’s hard to see where Suella’s going with this one. Priti tried bribing the French to do their job, but you might as well make it £1Bn – what exactly is the motivation for the French to keep Europe’s finest criminals hanging around, especially when they’re not being paid by results? If you want something done, do it yourself – 100 shirtless Millwall fans deployed on trawlers along the South coast would be more than sufficient to send those Albanians paddling back across the Mediterranean. 

But if you think effective negotiation of the migrant crisis is key to Sunak’s Conservatives, you haven’t been paying attention. Not only is Hunt keen to remove the vast majority of trade barriers with the EU, but ministers are apparently considering a Swiss-style relationship with Europe. Surely no one, not even the Tories could be stupid enough to place a globalist remainer, hiding in plain sight as a globalist remainer in-charge of the nation’s sovereignty, but sadly there are no longer any red lines the Conservatives won’t cross. Not only would Hunt rejoin the EU tomorrow if he thought he could get away with it, he also considers migration a key facet in doing so. ‘Cutting migration will mean even higher taxes and lower spending’ claims the Treasury, with the Chancellor relying on a surge in migrants to boost Britain’s flagging economy. If you wondered why Home Office attempts to stop the boats never yields any results, perhaps you have your answer. 

Still, if it’s results you want, cock’s are clearly the way to go – and not just those over-exuberant ones racing 1,000 abreast daily across the Channel. Women’s sports has witnessed a startling rise in ‘penis envy’ among the more old-fashioned female athletes, and cycling is no different. Thrashing the bitches into second place this week was Austin Killips, a man who ‘identifies as transgender’, and mysteriously had no problem getting the win in the elite women’s field at the International Cyclocross in Massachusetts. Call me cynical, but it’s curious to note that over 20% of Generation Z identifies as LGBTQwerty, as opposed to just 0.8% of traditionalists. The question I can’t help asking, is what happens when they cross 50% – do they stop being a minority and hand their cocks in to reception?

Speaking of useless pricks, the latest mandarins’ jamboree is being held in Bali, as the G20 leaders swap notes on how they can make life even more miserable for the plebs whose votes they increasingly don’t need. In fact it’s hard to keep track of which unelected megalomaniac is currently in-charge of the nation, so I’m going by whoever wears the best frocks. Traditionally that has always been the world’s campest Bond villain, Klaus Schwab. However, judging by the face-like-a-smacked-arse President Xi handed Justine Trudeau this week, you might just conclude Xi isn’t really a ‘dressing up’ kind of guy.

Forcing us to dress up are the lockdown fanatics, who are still attempting to push masks onto children in schools. The pretext for doing so has shifted greatly as the Covid lies have been exposed. First it was wear masks to protect yourself, then it was muzzle yourself to protect others; now Boston researchers are claiming masking children in schools ‘can reduce the effects of structural racism’ – put another way, only a racist wouldn’t want their child muzzled and frightened 24/7. 

When every single argument the Left has is the same – ‘you can’t say that, it’s racist’, that ought to behove some sort of courage from conservatives, but it never does. Instead, the woke wankers are currently going after mathematics – ‘attempting to decolonise it’, as they say. So yes, by all means believe ‘2 plus 2 is 4’, unless you’re non-white, in which case it’s whatever you want it to be. If you’ve put your money on toxic masculinity coming to save us, think again: global sperm counts have plunged 62% in less than 50 years, something researchers claim ‘could threaten humanity’s survival’. Yeah, no shit!

In other news, Meghan and Harry are planning to launch their own virtual world, ‘Meg-averse’ in a bid to take their brand truly global. The virtual platform is likely to prove a big hit with fans, particularly those in Britain, where the vast majority of the public is already ‘Meg-averse’. Speaking of talentless eunuchs, the World Cup kicks off in Qatar on Sunday, but is unlikely prove as popular with fans, as alcohol sales have been banned inside the stadium (unless you have a corporate hospitality ticket, prices for which start at a mere £19,000). Allah it seems hates the demon drink, but not quite as much as he loves a few quid. Homosexuality has also (rather surprisingly) been banned, which the Qatar World Cup ambassador has termed ‘damage in the mind’, noting ‘they have to accept our rules here’. With booze and buggery off the menu, I’m afraid that doesn’t leave much for entertainment – and the kneeling ninnies may be forced to start chucking gays off the buildings again, just to keep the sponsors happy. 

A judge has slammed security staff at the Palace of Westminster, after a drunk paranoid schizophrenic broke in, put on a suit and started drinking champagne – Ian Blackford, presumably? Worst headline of the week goes (unsurprisingly) to The Independent, who think this is what we ought to be concerned about: ‘What food you should feed your pets to help tackle climate change’ – don’t know about you, but I’m feeding mine ‘essence of Greta’. Twitter twit of the week once again is Sadiq Khan, who boasted: ‘We’ve started more than 5,000 council homes since 2021. That’s 5,000 new beginnings. 5,000 safe-havens. 5,000 places to call home.’ You’ve got to hand it to him, with 1,000 illegals crossing the Channel every day, that’s almost a week’s worth of housing!

And finally, Wimbledon are to relax their strict all-white dress code from next year, allowing women to wear dark underwear to reduce anxiety around menstrual cycles. That’s the pretext at least, but we all know the real reason – something’s got to be done to restrain all those new cocks making their debut in the women’s game. 

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, and with Hunt’s like Jeremy on the fiscal prowl, keep your hand on your ha’penny. 

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Thank you.

Frank Haviland,

Editor