The Frank Report XLIV

Welcome to a special Armistice Day edition of The Frank Report – you find me fittingly on my death bed, fighting off a bad case of the Wu Flu. Things were so touch and go yesterday in fact, I barely had the strength to watch Roger Moore’s first outing as James Bond, Live and Let Die (which incidentally should always have been the government’s policy on Covid). Luckily for me I was forced into two doses of the clotshot during lockdown, otherwise I’d almost certainly be feeling like 007 right now – exactly the same, but with substantially less chance of a Connery.

Life must go on however, and it can only be hoped we all find the chance to pay tribute to the fallen over the weekend. ‘Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few’ is more relevant today than it was then; in a world of pampered Generation Z brats, who believe their desire to virtue-signal trumps the right of the common man to pick up the tab for them. More on Just Stop Oil later. 

At Westminster with COP27 well underway, Keir Starmer seems determined to make The Labour Party even more ridiculously out of touch than the current administration (no mean feat). He promises to make the UK the first major economy to reach ‘100% clean power by 2030’, to cut bills and invest in jobs of the future. Presumably his vision is to have us all sitting around braziers, burning £50 notes while we watch the nation disintegrate, but it still looks like Sunak’s stewardship of the economy will get us there faster. 

In case you had the slightest misapprehension that Starmer was the man to lead us out of the wilderness, he has also called for the UK to pay ‘climate change reparations’ – which is only slightly more marketable than ‘sacrificing all future generations to pay for China’s economic prosperity’. No matter how vociferously Westminster insists on playing Cupid with Greta Thunberg, I must confess my children have ‘voluntary destitution’ pretty far down their Christmas lists.

Speaking of Cupid stunts, Sadiq Khan has vowed tackling violent crime in London is his ‘top priority’ (give him a chance will you, he’s only been in the job six years!) I’d be tempted to support the Mayor as he rides majestically into battle for us (albeit behind bulletproof glass, and with bodyguards five abreast), if only he weren’t so fickle. Last year’s ‘top priority’ was the ‘climate emergency’. Before that, it was ‘gender equality’, and before that ‘toxic air’ – he never quite finishes anything, does he? Not to worry – the political landscape may not always look so bleak. The Reform Party are picking up all the defectors from the Conservative Party, and are already polling at 9%. Just imagine where they’d be if Big Nige entered the fray – swallowing more than 25% of the vote, according to some polls.  

Causing affray meanwhile are those climate wankers at Just Stop Oil, who don’t seem to understand that China pumps out more pollution in eight years than the UK has managed since industrialisation. Mysteriously eschewing the Chinese Embassy, this week the ecoloons bravely took the fight to the poor sods crawling round the M25; managing the unthinkable of making the ‘road to hell’ even more miserable than it already was. When Chris Rea wrote his famous hit back in the eighties, even he couldn’t have envisaged these scumbags three decades on. One thing’s for certain, if there is such a thing as reincarnation, Just Stop Oil activists will definitely be coming back as anal polyps. And with public support at a Liberal Democrap pizzle of just 13%, they’re already less popular than Anjem Choudary. I’d say it’s more than time to fight fire with fire: I urge the public to go out and panic buy all the Waitrose avocados and lychees they can afford – Persephone, Jonty and Clementine will be begging for mercy within a fortnight. 

Granted, a fortnight is a long time in politics. It’s also a long time in terms of immigration, and should give at least another 5% of Albania’s finest criminals the chance to make their way over. Albanian criminals only cost the British taxpayer £57M a year in jail, but that’s something they should be able to improve on as 20% of illegals are now known to falsely claim to be children, along with 3,500 Border Force staff threatening to strike. Exactly how much of a threat that is is hard to fathom, as they currently only serve as a taxi service for illegals – perhaps they’re threatening the people smugglers rather than the government?

Across the pond, the US midterms should be terrifying for anyone with a pulse. The Democrats and Republicans are tied neck-and-neck, despite the nation being led by a man so senile, marbles lose him. This can only mean one of two things:

1. The Left have perfected cheating.
2. They really don’t think Biden is doing a bad job?! 

Hard to know where to put your money there. 

In terms of Covid, it’s been another bad week for lockdown fanatics. The latest revelation is that, rather unsurprisingly, child speech delays have increased due to lockdown, with the number of five and six year olds requiring speech and language support at school rising by 10% in England over the past year. A statistic all the more lamentable, because all us ‘covidiots’ were ignored and vilified. An inconvenient truth highlighted by the OECD (Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development), who show that Sweden (who rejected lockdowns and school closures) has the lowest overall cumulative excess deaths total over the pandemic period. In other words, we warned lockdown would do more harm than good; the government clearly knew it, and now we all know it. You’ll have an apology any day now. 

In other news, the people’s jihadist, Anjem Choudary, has called Elon Musk a ‘hypocrite’ after his subsequent Twitter ban, and I must say I’m rather inclined to agree with him. As despicable as you may find Satan’s answer to Andy Pandy, he hides in plain sight, which means you know exactly what he thinks – personally, I think that information is something the public should be kept abreast of, rather than protected from.  

A Facebook algorithm found that 90% of online hate was aimed at white people and men, although the other 10% did promise to aim better in future. And do you recall all those BLM kneeling ninnies at football matches? Well they’re off to Qatar soon, where they’ll be promoting the gay right to be chucked off buildings more inclusively, and occasionally kicking a football around. Give me Anjem any fucking day of the week. 

In England, schools have been urged to teach less British history – but seeing as they already teach zero, that’s going to be quite an uphill task. An ugly, overweight man pretending to be a woman has recently won the New Hampshire Teen Beauty Pageant – you can tell which one he is by looking at the pictures – the one least in danger of being molested by an Albanian illegal. 

Australian researchers are trialling a temporary sperm blocker, which they believe will be a ‘game-changer’ for men’s contraception – not much of an issue for most of us, seeing as women have been providing that particular service free and gratis since time immemorial. And finally, headline of the century surely goes to NME with the zinger: Richard Bacon denies snorting cocaine off a ‘Blue Peter’ tortoise. I have no idea who Richard Bacon is, and I hope no tortoises were harmed, but I pray it’s true!

That was Frank’s week.

Take care of yourselves, and ignore the white poppy, gay poppy, trans poppy bastards – wear your poppies with pride. 

Long may they rest in peace. 

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Thank you.

Frank Haviland,

Editor